Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Take The Wheel, Single Girlie

Eds. Note: This is the 11th installment of our ongoing series of guest appearances by cultural heavyweights. 

To say that Denny yearns to make sweaty blog-love to her is like saying that Johnny Depp is a hundredaire.  Check out her boner-inducing site right now. But she's mine, bitch.

Well, hi there! Cultural heavyweight singlegirlie inna house. Welcome to my boyfriend’s website.

Who is this brazen tart, you ask? I, my friends, am the girlfriend. The chosen one. In case you missed it, Denny made the official announcement a short time ago on the smash-hit sensation Love in the Dumps web forum. And of course, I declared my love for Den-Den some time ago.

While I’m not here to piss on my tree or threaten violence, it has come to my attention that certain individuals have been – how you say? – jockin’ my man.

This is hardly a surprise. It’s classic Hollywood, really. Boy gets gorgeous, smart, upscale, morally questionable girlfriend and suddenly every ‘gina in town is on his crotch. It’s just like Can’t Buy Me Love, except Denny’s way hotter than Dempsey, and he didn’t pay me. No, seriously.

Now, I am not so naïve to expect a man like Denny to settle on just one human. Nor am I so selfish to deny others of the good doctor’s many sexual gifts. In fact, I believe every man, woman and hermaphrodite alive should at least once experience the rapture that is Denny.

What can I say? I’m a humanitarian.

But as I learned from The Joy Luck Club, there can only be one Number One Wife, and that bitch is ME. The rest of you are the hoes and bros Denny may penetrate while I am menstruating.

Yes, I’m talking to you, Katy Perry. And you too, M.C. Bubbles. As for the remainder of you schmoes, well, you know who you are.

So have at it, y’all, just remember your place. You are all number two, and in more ways than one. Oh, and be sure to wear protection. I’ve been around.

xoxo Single Girlie xoxo


Anonymous said...

Oh, so this is who you got the "not curable with antiobotics babe" std from that you gave to me? :) Glad I know - though it was that old lady you blogged about....

You are so wanted Denny. It's a wonder your dick hasn't fallen off yet!

Denny DelVecchio said...


Love in the Dumps said...

After reading this post, while listening to Glory of Love in the background, I am in a sublime state. It's playing as I write this. Tears streaming down. THough it doesn't make sense, because singer sings "I am the man who will fight for you honor," and singlegirlie is, well, a girlie. But who am I to question these foolish things in times such as these. Honored, Dumps.

Vodka and Ground Beef said...

Denny, this is just hurtful.

I'll never love again.

Single Girlie - I'll deal with you later.

Denny DelVecchio said...

@Dumps: Big squeezes.

@Vodka: Fair enough on the love part. But can Denny still hit that?

I thought so.

Nubian said...

You lured me in with your big words and your big hair.

You glanced across the classroom, looked at me and licked your lips.

You got me in the back seat of your Gremlin.

You told me that my missing front teeth were a turn on and how you never could be with anyone else.

And now this...

Denny DelVecchio said...

I'm starting to feel like Chilean Miner #21.

Anonymous said...

This is way better than St Elmo's Fire!!!!

AND what the hell happened to John Parr??????

singlegirlie said...

@KAP - Yes, I am antibiotics babe. See? I'm a giver.

@Vodka - Huh? Are you mental? We talked about this, 'member? I KNEW you were just trying to work a three-way when you asked to be my blog girlfriend. Disappointing.

@All the ladies - Easy, now! I SAID I would share, didn't I? Less envy and more love, por favor! Sheesh, no respect. As a consolation prize, I'm rather skilled at the art of cunnilingus and can offer my services to you all. No, Denny, you can't watch. This is between me and the ladies.

@Denny - Don't worry, they will get over it and hand over the poon soon. See how well I understand you? I'm feeling vulnerable now. Hold me, and I will hold It. I've been practicing with the shakeweight like you asked.

susi spice said...

awwww what a love declaration!! :D

Denny - you could always become a polygamist mormon and have both vodka and single girlie.... with single girlie been number one wife of course.

bschooled said...

" you say?-jockin' my man..."

Sadly, I can't compete with that.

Today is a sad, sad day. :(

ps. @singlegirlie- Do we need to make an appointment for your cunnilingus services? Or can we just drop-in?

Denny DelVecchio said...

Now Denny definitely feels like Chilean Miner #21.

Vodka and Ground Beef said...

Denny Javier BarDecchio.

Let's neck for awhile at the bottom of a mine. Then we'll ride back to the surface on your "rescue capsule."

Too much?

Denny DelVecchio said...

Just enough, love.

bschooled said...

You could never be a miner.

Your luxurious mane is way too libidinous to be concealed under an unsightly mining hat.

nursemyra said...

I'm already in a 3 way with rassles and renalfailure. I don't think I can handle another one

Anonymous said...

Wait, wait, wait.... the song changed.... I thought The Warrior was our song Denny!?! WTF? You're spreading more than the STD's around!!!

Denny DelVecchio said...

@KAP: We could have sex to the Baby Elephant Walk and it would still sound like Sade.

@Good Nurse: I'm off to see your scantily cladness.

@B: You have a point.

And so does Denny. If you know what I mean.

bluntdelivery said...

Sorry, I'm late to the party. I was still trippin on some acid i took with my morning health smoothie

Look, Singlegirlie and Denny and Me and LoveintheDumps are one big happy double-dating family alright? You all need to BACK the frick off.

WE have no use for any of you to "join" unless you'd like to serve us grapes, or flakey baked goods.


singlegirlie said...

Thank you, Blunty. That makes me want to play with your hair. Here I thought I was going to be dubbed the next Mother Theresa for my generosity and willingness to share. Ingrates!

But I get it. It's Denny Dance we're talking about and everybody wants a piece. You ladies are just gonna have to think a little more Big Love. Fortunately he's a whole lotta man.

@bschooled - Just drop in, sweet pea. I only ask that you come pre-showered and trimmed.