Friday, June 24, 2011

Advance #80: Hot Summer Spanktacular

The Banana Hammock is snugly in place. Gunther Loverman is spitting and/or swallowing fat beats anew from my cassette tape player. And your staid, sexless existence is about to be magnificently betrayed by the Empresario of Girth.

Welcome to DelVecchonia, your new home planet. I hope that you stay awhile.

Pour Some Out: Dr. Dre quietly passes 1,000th simile mark.

Ample-bosomed pop starlet in retainer robustly jacked off to.

Report: Stock you bought last year fails to beat 10 Year Lipper Average.

Source: "Crazy" Waukesha Dad realizes boyhood dream of sticking head out of limo sunroof.

Cocaine vehemently denies abusing celebrity.

Straight actor finally marries beard.

Exclusive: Tommy John becomes Billionaire on back of pitchers' ruined elbows. 

My Giant: Director's Cut Redbox's first 75 cent movie.

Finger-wagging Lance Armstrong to Federal investigators: "I DIDN'T USE STEROIDS . . . . today."

It's not just my large penis anymore,
Denny DelVecchio

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Classic Denny Dance: Father's Day Redux

When I found out last year that you were with child I reacted the way you'd expect a first time father who had carelessly impregnated a happily-married, interior decorator wife and mother would--I celebrated with a night of mangy strippers, $2 highballs and mid-grade recreational Angel Dust with a few former frat brothers and a too-eager-to-please second alternate from my racquetball league named Sanjay.

And, I must admit, not getting to know my son has been a magnificent, intensely impersonal experience.  A watershed, coming of age crossroads for a life that had theretofore been all too consumed with pomade, dwarf-smut, rhinestones and emotional ships in bottles.

When I don't hold him close, I wonder aloud what kind of a man that calls himself his father he has. And whether my boy is getting the same special brand of love and adoration that I have no business or predisposition to provide him with. My mind swims.

Will he find his way in life without a role model such as I to teach him the proper manner to spring the Popcorn Trick on a lucky, yet unsuspecting, young lass?

Is it likely that he will understand that raging kleptomania is a sacred right of passage into the elite, secret society that is adulthood?

Will he one day realize the complete and utter sense of relief that I feel each time I look in my spare bedroom and see a pair of curvy 19 year old Danish Au Pairs lounging where his sweet crib might have been?

The answer is surely nay to all questions.  But I still want him to know someday that his father loves him so very much, and has endured the sad smorgasbord of emotional tribulation that comes with a cowardly denial of paternity, followed by a 12 week Sex Tour of Mazatlan.

And to his sweet, virtuous Mother I simply say thank you--for raising Denny's boy exactly the way that you've wanted to, devoid of even a modicum of parental influence from me above my chromosomal donation that resulted from a borderline anonymous, six minute rut-fest in your Buick after an Uncle Cracker show.

I just hope that I can live up to the lofty filial standards that you have surely set for me.  Time will tell.

I love you, Ben.

Oh.  I mean Bryan.

Denny DelVecchio

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Advance #79: What You Missed This Week

I pertain to one or more of these
. . . besides Denny's sleek, hairless gams and winning smile, that is. May you have a wonderful time at your gay grandfather's farm this weekend.

In the meantime, a winsome look back at the week that was:

Life Begins at Thought About Pussy Bill fails by three votes in South Carolina Assembly.

Toledo screenwriter surges to 317,000 on E!'s 2011 Hollywood Power List.

Tom Cruise straight rumors dismissed through rep as "Ridiculous."

Portly man you've never met wants high five.

Patient teen explains difference between Akon and T.I. to Danish grandfather.

Weiner scandal gives temporary reprieve to 8,000 marginal stand up comedians. 

Source: 27 Bruins got to first base with Stanley Cup last night.

Porn Lothario  Evan Stone denies he's man in video not having sex.

Judicial election loser reflects on first 100 days on park bench.

All of me,
Denny DelVecchio

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Regress #69: Insert Weiner Joke Here

Denny thinks he just did.

Turgid and blurry,
Denny DelVecchio

Friday, June 3, 2011

Advance #78: Several Valid Reasons To Wake Up Tomorrow

Like the dazzling sun ascending in the beautiful Western sky at the bequest of Cragillio the Vile, Denny is about to leaven a sweet cadre of new little baby DelVecchios.  And by baby DelVecchios I mean headlines to stories that I'm almost certainly never actually writing.

Although it won't be this good (thank you, KAP), it should allow you to release your pent up fluid of choice on time and under budget.

Happy weekend, my life partners.

New poll: Your Facebook friends don't really give a shit if Jeff Conaway rests in peace.

Report: Cuckolded sadsack beginning to feel like third wheel.

Blake Lively insists naked pictures of Blake Lively aren't her.

Sheen reportedly lucid, considerate after drug underdose.

Emoticon fails to resonate.

Steering wheel, shoulder belt resting comfortably after crash involving girthy reality star.

25 years later, Richard Gere rumors continue to haunt gerbil.

Lohan left on cutting room floor.

Gabriel Byrne boils over: "How does that ugly fucker Geoffrey Rush keep getting all my roles?"

Hips don't lie,
Denny DelVecchio