Saturday, July 30, 2011

Monday, July 18, 2011

Advance #81: Project Mindfuck

Denny's trouser-bag is full but his mailbag is empty. Time to remedy this with a dip into the fetid well of upcoming YNBH featurettes--because filling a news hole isn't nearly as easy as they make it look in stag films.

Anti-Incumbency tidal wave claims Baltimore's Dog Warden.

Marcus Bachmann: "Village People's homosexuality was a hot, wet, delicious choice."

Goddard College student's toilet stall graffiti-themed folklore thesis garnering early Pulitzer buzz.

Franz Ferdinand now struggling to outsell actual Franz Ferdinand.

Medical Mystery: Everybody from 1896 either dead or missing.

Study: Lazy urban youth now engaging in The Half Dozens.

Labyrinth holding steady as Tom Cruise's 23rd best movie.

Self-Immolation Nation may go a touch too far, concede Fox Reality execs.

The Green Lantern reportedly not as good as that stupid whore Ella said it was. 

I'm in like with you,
Denny DelVecchio

Thursday, July 14, 2011

From The Bag of Tricks: Waldenbooks Kicks Barnes & Noble's Pissy Little Ass (Advance #38)

So, I hear you're out talking shit again--saying you prefer literary cyborg Barnes & Noble over dignified gentleman of refinement Waldenbooks.

Oh, okay, so Denny thinks he understands.

You're the joyless vulgarian who prefers Burlington Coat Factory to Rue St. Denis.

The shameless cuckold who would co-habitate with the Cloverdale Monster over Godzilla.

The friendless cur who favors the company of a Fleshlight to a good old-fashioned hot shower with a Loofah, bottle of Aussie Mega Rainforest Mist Conditioner and 20 good minutes to kill.

Are you feeling like the trend-sniffing troglodyte that you are?  That's right. Denny thinks so, too.

For my money, I want a bookstore where I can freely peruse racks full of 50% off 2010 Cats in Hats calendars, bury my nose in any one of 16 different magazines that I must buy if I read, or get lost in the Suzanne Somers Jazz Dancing Guidebook knowing that only one employee is on duty to shoo me homeward.

I also enjoy being asked three different times upon checkout if I'm totally sure I don't want to "join the Waldenbooks President's Club of Values because I can totally save 5% right now and up to 25% on future purchases... oh man can you please help me...this branch is closing in September and I just can't go back to giving $20 tugjobs in the bathroom of Carl's Jr.  just so I don't have to move back in with Randy, that three timing uteromaniac who's probably back with that skanky trull from "Thighs On You"over by the airport...wait...wait... You forgot your receipt."

But you probably already knew that.

I love you, Waldenbooks. You can move in above my garage anytime if the worst comes to pass.

Denny DelVecchio

Saturday, July 2, 2011

From the Bag of Tricks: The American Revolution (Spoiler Alert #7)

The Stamp Act of 1765.

The Boston Massacre of 1770.

The Tea Act of 1773.

The Intolerable Acts of 1774.

A lot of really bad shit was going down back in the day and, although there was no Denny DelVecchio around to single-handedly rally a weary and increasingly oppressed conglomeration of colonies into action with both sex appeal and swagger to burn, armed conflict and shouts of Freedom, Motherfuckers permeated the thick New England air.

And, several war-weary years later, just when things looked the bleakest, one or more of the homeboys on our money kicked their shit into overdrive and rallied for a series of stunning military conquests which paved the way for an incendiary victory party featuring Cher and a large phallic battleship--on, yes, the 4th of July.

Denny hates to give away the ending, but it was the Americans who were on that Bacchanalian pleasure cruise.

Happy Independence Day, American DelVecchians! (Your New Bad Habit also hopes that all of our friends in Europe, South America, Africa, Australia and Asia have kick ass 4th of July celebrations of their own today.)

Engorged With Patriotism,
Denny DelVecchio