Look, I'm not prone to being overly contrite, unless I accidentally bump pinktips while engaging in a spirited Chattanooga Elephant Walk in the basement of a frat house. But I still think I might owe you a bit of an apology.
When I went away in 2012, I left you with both triplets and a galloping case of Morning Drip never to so much as page you again until today. And I'll come clean--I met the other love of my life (I thought) at a truck stop outside of Racine one day and never looked back for a week. But I'm still filled with deep regret, as well as the emotional scars of being left for dead in a Gathering of the Juggalos outhouse dressed only in a velvet codpiece and pink New Kids on the Block deep-V tank top. From the fucking Step by Step tour.
But that's all behind me now. I'm sorry, and I want to make it up to you by living for us. Living for now. Like we used to before I knocked you up and fled like a common coward who should be ashamed to take a breath even six years later.
So part of this totally one-way healing process to erase my well-earned guilt is me updating you on where Denny has been and is now. Cards on the table, we’re both showing hearts. Risking it all, though it’s hard. 'Cause all of me loves all of you. Love your curves and all your edges. All your perfect imperfections.
Anyway, enough of my original poetry, here goes Denny...
*I shaved every square inch of hair off of myself like a goddamn marsupial baby, then replaced it all in rainbow glitter No. 7 from Joanne Fabrics. You should see me during Pride Week
*I made love to several Fig Newtons and they quickly reciprocated
*I finally earned my 7th grade G.E.D. in 2015, then threw an absolute fucking rager. Also banged my teacher
*I voted for Jill Stein in 2016, accounting for all 82,000 votes Hillary lost Wisconsin by
*I self-published a sequel to Eat. Pray. Love. called Pooped. Got New Trans-Am. Came.
*I shacked up with a family of raccoons for 5 months and have never eaten better or felt more loved
*I stopped smoking crack and have settled into a much healthier canine amphetamine habit
*I never stopped missing or loving you, so take me back, baby
More to "come"--