Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Take The Wheel, Douchebag

Eds. Note: This is the 12th installment of our ongoing series of guest appearances by cultural heavyweights. 

What the holy fuck did I do to make this world hate me so?

My sole purpose on this planet is to gently cleanse the tender vaginal canals of female human beings across the industrialized world and, if at all possible, fill said female with a heightened sense of confidence and self worth should another human happen upon said woman's vaginal canal.

I promise nothing more. I deliver nothing less.

Well, on second thought, I might even serve to occasionally foster a greater degree of communication between the various generations of human families, as a mother may see fit to regale her daughter or daughters with cheerful tales of yore, such as when her own douching helped her snare her future husband's eye the University of Dayton fall formal back in 1982.

I cleanse. I smile. I die.

Yes, that's right.  After I labor as a reservoir for an otherworldly combination of harsh chemicals, acids, bases and vinegar, I am hurriedly cast asunder much like my recreational cousin, the condom.

How do you think that makes me feel?

Empowered, that's how. Just like a latter-day Geisha at the $10 tug-stand or servile, doe eyed concubine.

But you know what does rile me up?  When humans take my name in vain by affixing the noble moniker to those deemed the most socially befuddled and monstrously undesirable amongst them.

Would you like it if I called you a Dane Cook?

Or a Stan Gable?

Or a The Situation?

Or even the a the late Johnny Olson?

Exactly, you stanky landlord of hell-quim.

Now open up those meaty gargoyles you call thighs and let me get about my business in peace.

-Eve Unit #231,712


Vodka All Up in Yer Biz said...

Since I was raised on a wild salmon farm, I was forced to douche with a solution of fresh water and anal fin, so this whole concept of "vinegar" douching is odd. Why not just douche with Simple Green?

I know you understand.

Normal XO, then X, then slow O. Then rest. Then repeat.

Bearman said...

"My sole purpose on this planet is to gently cleanse the tender vaginal canals of female human"

Now I have a mental picture that your wang looks like a toilet brush.

Love in the Dumps said...

those pasty, meaty thighs. I'll take two with gravy.

Anonymous said...

I just watched out bi-coastal web cam hardcore from last night you posted to YouPorn(good editing by the way). I want everyone to know that it was from our glorious night of passionate web love that the idea for this post came about.

Denny said, "KAP the last guy you banged gave you mono, God only knows what your kitty's got." So, I filled the d-bag up with Clorox -it stung, but not as bad as the herpes, and we went at it through the internet connection. USB me baby!

And I'll end this post by saying "Recreational cousin, the condom." Beautiful. Words like this is why I wish you were mine Denny. Mine, all mine.

singlegirlie said...

I'm sorry, Douchebag. You have borne the brunt of too many a joke and it's not fair.

I'm not sure why people use your name pejoratively. After I douche, the bag exudes the smell of jasmine.

In fact, I dip some sachets in you and give them out as gifts. It makes for a lovely home fragrance for your pantry or jeans drawer.

And it makes Denny a WILD man. Hats off to you, Senior Douchebag!

Kernut the Blond said...

I'm torn between my fear of you and total attraction.

I'll never be able to look at a douche the same again.

Dr. Cynicism said...

Writing from the perspective of douche... I'm speechless, amazed, and jealous. As always, you totally win Denny.

bschooled said...

That's how I surprised my Mom, too! Only I was holding two different flavors of edible lube.

ps. Personally, I think the mom should have gone for extra cleansing as well. (She has that "ridden hard and put away wet" look about her.)

Denny DelVecchio said...

@Loon: Twat does that mean?

@Vodka: I have no idea what you are referring to but I'm still fully erect.

@Bear: Please return your mental picture of my wang to me at your earliest convenience.

@Dumps: Man gravy, I presume.

@KAP: While I'm not yours all yours, I do owe you one for directing me to that flesh bazaar, where I have remained for almost 17 hours "straight." That's how a double entendre is done, class.

@Single: Speaking of class, you're so fly like a G-6. Oh yeah, let's have sex.

@Kernut: Denny advises that you don't look at it. Look at Denny instead.

@Doc Cyn: Do I get the C that I was hoping for? Denny needs to stay eligible for the USC game.

@B: Mom and the lube. You've been fully DelVecchified, love. Feels good.

nursemyra said...

but the vagina is a self cleansing organ. what other tricks does your toilet brush wang do ?

Denny DelVecchio said...

@Good Nurse: No idea. You'll need to ask the author of the post.