Eds. Note: This is the 11th installment of our ongoing series of guest appearances by cultural heavyweights.
To say that Denny yearns to make sweaty blog-love to her is like saying that Johnny Depp is a hundredaire. Check out her boner-inducing site right now. But she's mine, bitch.
Well, hi there! Cultural heavyweight singlegirlie inna house. Welcome to my boyfriend’s website.
Who is this brazen tart, you ask? I, my friends, am the girlfriend. The chosen one. In case you missed it, Denny made the official announcement a short time ago on the smash-hit sensation Love in the Dumps web forum. And of course, I declared my love for Den-Den some time ago.
While I’m not here to piss on my tree or threaten violence, it has come to my attention that certain individuals have been – how you say? – jockin’ my man.
This is hardly a surprise. It’s classic Hollywood, really. Boy gets gorgeous, smart, upscale, morally questionable girlfriend and suddenly every ‘gina in town is on his crotch. It’s just like Can’t Buy Me Love, except Denny’s way hotter than Dempsey, and he didn’t pay me. No, seriously.
Now, I am not so naïve to expect a man like Denny to settle on just one human. Nor am I so selfish to deny others of the good doctor’s many sexual gifts. In fact, I believe every man, woman and hermaphrodite alive should at least once experience the rapture that is Denny.
What can I say? I’m a humanitarian.
But as I learned from The Joy Luck Club, there can only be one Number One Wife, and that bitch is ME. The rest of you are the hoes and bros Denny may penetrate while I am menstruating.
Yes, I’m talking to you, Katy Perry. And you too, M.C. Bubbles. As for the remainder of you schmoes, well, you know who you are.
So have at it, y’all, just remember your place. You are all number two, and in more ways than one. Oh, and be sure to wear protection. I’ve been around.
xoxo Single Girlie xoxo
xoxo Single Girlie xoxo
