Thursday, September 2, 2010

Regress #47: Thanks A Lot, Assface



It's apparently not enough for you to be nearly as handsome, athletic, clever and genitally-fortified as Denny Dance.

No, you had to go and make the worst song to happen to the male species since Marvin Gaye plowed crooned his way through God's bountiful green earth full of buxom nymphets.

Lately, the icy questions come at me fast and angry:

"Denny, why don't you ever say those perfect things to me like Bruno Mars does in his song?

"Denny, you don't ever tell me that my eyes, my eyes make the stars look like they're not shining."

"Denny, have you ever said there's not a thing that you would change when you see my face?"

"Denny, how come you haven't said to me that when I smile the whole world stops and stares for awhile?"

And what is Denny Dance supposed to say? That nary a single one applies to them in even the remotest sense? I think all that would get Denny is a swift knee to the Jimmy--and not in a good way. 

The sad truth is, I could sit in Monk-like isolation with a quill pen and writing pad for 17 fucking years and not come up with even a syllable toward something as panty-droppingly perfect as the sweet tome for our time that you--the Morris Day of 2010--have bequeathed to an undeserving human race.

Even I'm starting to shout your name while in the throes of passion's elegant thunder--and sometimes even when I'm with another person.

So, if you'd be so kind as to stop what you're doing, The Danceman--and every other male not named you--would be most grateful.

Don't make us order the code red.

Thinly Veiled,
Denny DelVecchio

10 comments:

Bearman said...

Your words are there...you just need better music.

Denny DelVecchio said...

I need to be Bruno Mars, I think. At least from the waist up.

susi spice said...

you could always take the approach of some british men and take up hypnotism... see the example below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_8p3z6GSWY

ocdbloggergirl said...

That song sucks! Just an observation though. Babyface he ain't. Girlllll, I'll sing you anything to get laid."

ocdbloggergirl said...

Ps This is a real video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cYOyO9F5LfQ

blunt delivery said...

you may or may not be happy to know i have never heard of this kid, who eerily resembles Michael Jackson, BTW.

so...our throws of passion shall remain untainted.

but, i can tell you, after listening to this that yes, mother effer, you'd change a million things if you could.

what an ass

Denny DelVecchio said...

@Spice:Trust me, I've already done so.

@OCD:Good to see that someone isn't seduced by his game. It speaks well of you.

@Blunty: May someone sing you a song like this someday.

Vodka and Ground Beef said...

"I think all that would get Denny is a swift knee to the Jimmy--and not in a good way."

Hi-larious!!!

singlegirlie said...

Ohh, my sweet Denny. Don't think I didn't see that label. Again, you make me swoon. I hope that makes your Jimmy shimmy.

By the way, I used to quote Coach Buzzcut all the time. Even though I didn't (and still don't, BTW) have a Jimmy.

Denny DelVecchio said...

Vodka, you speak the gospel.

Single, I might be totally into you even if you had a Jimmy.

Actually, prolly not, but we could still be bros.