Monday, September 20, 2010

Take The Wheel, Pacey Witter

Eds. Note: This is the ninth installment of our ongoing series of guest appearances by cultural heavyweights. 

Oh, well, well well, what have we here? 

It looks like Dawson Leery--the oldest American teenager since Ralph Macchio's 37 year old twig-dick was waxing Dame Elizabeth Shue on and off back in 1984. 

And Pacey has one thing to say to you:

Get your manicured hands, gingivitis hairline, Suvari-esque forehead and "ahh shucks Mr. Potter, I'd never ask for a sloppy handjob from your only daughter in the passenger seat of a '94 Honda Civic after studying late for our AP European History class" away from the girl.  

And step your bitch ass to Pacey Witter. Because it's time for your $5 Footlong of pain, friend.

It's just not enough for you to be the smartest, most sensitive human without a vagina (allegedly) in Capeside. You apparently also feel the need to biblically recline with the only non-blonde I've ever loved. And by love, I mean shamelessly masturbated to while listening to side two of ELO's Eldorado, A Symphony with my booze-wrecked cop father and four sibs watching Ally McBeal in the next room. 

Now that's love.

And that's what you're messing with, homeboy.

I'll cut you.

Oh, wait, I get to take the sensitive blonde chipmunk instead? Well thanks a fucking million, partner. That's like offering me a goddamn Necco while you suck down a bag of Skittles Crazy Cores right in front of me.

You and Joey are Soulmates?  Please. That $2 sperm sponge will mount the first multimillionaire, bat-shit crazy Scientologist movie star that holds a door for her.  Mark Pacey's word. 

This is really all about Miss Jacobs robbing my fragile flower Freshman year, right? 

Well you know what, you can have her. Just send me over my true heart. My one and only. My Joey "Holy Dick Don't Confuse Me With Monica, Harry or Colonel " Potter.

And then I can get you a three episode turn on Fringe and/or Diane Kruger.

Ball's in your court, Dawson. 

And I don't want to wait. 



bschooled said...

"Ahh shucks Mr. Potter, I'd never ask for a sloppy handjob from your only daughter in the passenger seat of a '94 Honda Civic after studying late for our AP European History class"

Your words are like literal panty remover (figuratively speaking, of course).

ps. My friends and I used to call Dawson "Forehead." Coincidence? I think not.

Denny DelVecchio said...

My friends and I called him "Foreskin."

No coincidence.

And no figurative needed, love.

Just telling it like it is said...

hey i loved the Karate kid...

Denny DelVecchio said...

I loved the Andrew Lloyd Webber, West End musical version better.

Vodka and Ground Beef said...

"5 Dollar Footlong of Pain," and "I'll cut you."

This is a masterpiece Denny - one of my favorites.

nursemyra said...

Gingivitis hairline? What is that - an infected toothsome forehead?

Denny DelVecchio said...

@Vodka: It figures that Pacey would do a better job than Denny. Some guys have it all.

@Good Nurse: I can only speculate what he meant, but I'm guessing it's some sort of reference to a receding hairline. Of course, that's foreign territory for Denny Dance.

Bearman said...

Did I miss some show that would explain this all?

Dr. Cynicism said...

If I knew anything about Dawson's Creek, this might have been even funnier than I already found it. File this under "signs of a great blogger" because you're making me laugh and I have no idea about the content. YOU WIN!

singlegirlie said...

I offer Neccos in the candy bowl in my office at work. Is that why people hate me?

Denny DelVecchio said...

@Bear: Dawson loved Joey. Pacey loved Joey. Joey loved Dawson. Joey loved Pacey. Pacey loved Pacey. Dawson loved Dawson.

@Doc Cyn: It's better this way, I think.

Single: Could be worse--Circus peanuts.

bluntdelivery said...

never saw dawsons creek. i think u could have guessed this already, knowing my history with coolness.

true story ahead:

i saw pacey in his underware during a play in london. his parts were all up in my face cus i was front row.

then i took a pic, licking the side of his face on the poster outside. but i don't find him attractive, it was only to make my friend jealous.

Denny DelVecchio said...

Is it wrong that I'm totally engorged right now?