Tuesday, December 28, 2010

From The Bag Of Tricks: Hey Asshole, Why Didn't You Play My Request? (Regress #37)

Let me get back to Friday night.

After my second shower of the week, followed by an Aqua Velva baptism, I squeezed SeƱor Manaconda into my favorite pair of black, snug-front Bugle Boys and embarked upon a sacred quest:

A mission to ensnare a pair of morally fallacious half-sisters from Scottsdale who would love me more for my checkbook than my heartbook?

A plan to awkwardly enfleshen a prim, virginal booksmith from stacks of the Greater Phoenix Metro Library System's Chandler branch?

Perhaps even a confused attempt to win back the erstwhile love of my life using a brazen scheme to harvest a kidney from a panhandler in order to save a young boy in Bulgaria?

If you answered anything but None of the Above you failed.

Because my simple quest was to have DJ Ricky Rise at Club Levitation play a certain slow jam especially for a special young lady who had caught my fancy through her entrancing, sirenic manner--one that sent so much wayward blood to my party regions even BP tipped its oily hat.

Denny simply wanted her to know how he felt.  And now our love-starved world may never realize what could have been.

Have you ever been in love, Mr. D.J. Rise?

Denny thought not.

Denny DelVecchio

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Advance # 63: Coming Soon From Denny

Denny's unseemly hiatus is quickly drawing to a close, so he's already feverishly working on getting laid and shitfaced a number of brave, envelope-pushing stories to satisfy his patient, loyal DelVecchians across the Globe.

Stay tuned for these stories and much more . . .

Benched Pee Wee football QB feels "disrespected."

Look Who's Talking prequel now casting semen.

Your Mom calmly denies fucking your drunk, insulting friend last night.

Miley Cyrus cancels pending South Korean dates in show of solidarity with the North.

Stitch in time quickly yields to goddamn gaping hole.

YNBH Exclusive: Julian Assagne's private anagram Hades.

Groundbreaking Gay Unicorn character now slated for Glee.

Jailed Bernie Madoff's rectum loses track of new investors' deposits.

Potential Bachmann-Palin ticket forces Christ to accelerate Earthly return.

Betty White: "Just watch me out-blowjob Ke$ha in 2011."

Almost home,
Denny DelVecchio

Saturday, December 18, 2010

From The Bag Of Tricks: I Was Almost A New Bohemian (Regress # 32)

It was 1996.

I was at a crossroads in my feral young life, loving like a 70s stag film flesh magistrate and always at the ready for the night's next big thrill.

And then I met "Edie" in the baked goods aisle at Cousins supermarket.  And nothing was ever the same again.

She was in town playing a free show for the Camden Tulip Fest, and had a "bit of the grumbles" which could only be satiated by a marbled pecan bear claw.  As the sweet dews of fate would have it, I already had the last one lovingly cradled in my musky paw.

We shared that nectarous pastry, I called her a Poor Man's Natalie Merchant, and 16 minutes later I was freaking her.

The Winds of the Gods continued to blow forcefully that day, as New Bohemian bassist John Bradley Houser had to undergo an emergency uvula excision. And Edie was suddenly missing half of her rhythm section.

That night I made sweet passion to the crowd--even going off the set list to play an aching, atmospheric solo cover of Peter Cetera's timeless The Glory of Love.

After the lights went down, she asked me to give it all up to become a New Bohemian--to leave the comfortable life I knew behind and venture into tomorrow hand in hand with her.

But, as you might imagine, I was simply getting way too much top notch Camden Community College tail to go that direction.

Hard Rain's Gonna Fall,
Denny DelVecchio

Friday, December 10, 2010

From The Bag of Tricks: Denny Was Just Accepted To College! (Advance #29)

Although I secured my G.E.D. almost 15 years ago (and have had my Ph.D. in The Genital Arts for over a decade), I have always longed to be a college man like the father of some guy I knew back in Jersey who completed almost two full semesters at Rutgers-Camden Extension back in the late 70s.

Well I am both humbled and totally stoked to announce that I have just been accepted to, as they say in Europe, University.

I have long wanted to be an artist, and Mr. Marzetti once told me in junior high that I painted "just like a retarded Van Gough." I  have kept that amazing compliment close to my heart ever since.

This is the drawing that got me in.

In truth I thought Terrapin Sexplosion was a tad broad as I have always considered myself a stylistic disciple of pre-Expressionist Fauves like Matisse and Rouault.  My brash and aggressive use of colors and textures would seem to bear that out. 

Amazingly, I already start school in 10 days at the Glendale branch of the world-renowned Art Instruction Schools. I have to be sure to ask the Registrar about my dorm, and can't wait to get a healthy peek at the co-eds in their apple bottom jeans and boots with the fur.

It's gonna be a great year.

Pomp and Circumstance,
Denny DelVecchio

Saturday, December 4, 2010

From The Bag Of Tricks: Severing Diplomatic Relations (Advance #27)

In a fiery display of solidarity with this site's longtime allies in Seoul, Your New Bad Habit today formally cut all diplomatic ties with Pyongyang, catapulting its often percussive relationship with the cloistered state into icy new territory.

Besides my preternatural disdain for pygmy despots hell-bent on feasting on the loins of power at any cost, that lock-step marching video they always play on Fox and Friends creeps Denny the fuck out.

The truth is that I'm willing to settle this whole thing right now in the same manner by which hundreds of generations of rivals have: erotic jello wrestling.

The ball's in your court now, 'Lil Kim.

With Much Pride,
Denny DelVecchio