Eds. Note: This is the sixth installment of our ongoing series of guest appearances by cultural heavyweights.
FROM: GOD, KING OF THE UNIVERSE AND ALL THINGS HOLY AND JUST
TO: TONY HAYWARD, CEO BP, PLC
DATE: MAY 16, 2010 A.D.
RE: MY GULF OF MEXICO
Oh, hello there, Tony. God here.
Sorry to trouble your waters on what must be another excruciating day of watching 200,000 more gallons of your precious liquid gold politely tip-toe into my Gulf of Mexico.
I am empathetic to your plight, old chap, as I have also seen my share of disasters from time to time, such as the Black Plague of 1348 and the Trail Blazers drafting Sam Bowie over Michael Jordan in 1984. In the parlance of today's youth, I feel you, homeboy.
So, despite your recent trying moments, I hope that you will embrace and accept my sincere and heartfelt apologies. Rest your weary head, child. You've earned it.
My vast, bio-rich coastal waters have been an economic and public relations minefield for your feral, hopelessly spewing petroleum for some time now, and by all accounts this is causing you headache after headache and much unwanted--and undeserved--guilt. A loving God simply cannot let that happen.
Without the deaths of millions of sea creatures and the potential collapse of a spate of vital coastal industries hanging over you, you'd be better able to collect your thoughts and (1) move toward some heady solutions regarding BP's hemorrhaging stock price and/or (2) more efficiently be able to shift responsibility for this disaster to a third party.
I can ask for forgiveness in 1,922 dialects, but I'll focus on your native tongue for now: I'm so very, very sorry, Tony. You have my word that I will do everything in my ample power to hide the apocalyptic ecological and economic after-effects of your spill from the masses so that you and your lovely family may have some peace of mind (and one hell of a "Christmas 2010" in the Swiss Alps). It's the only right thing to do.
Of course, you realize that my doing so will invalidate all contracts that you may currently have with my chief rival. But then you already know that.