Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Why are we here?

Because you need us. That's right--you NEED us. We fully appreciate how your empty, vapid life so badly craves a special helping of lovin' each and every day. And here your magical conjugal visits can last five minutes. Or an hour. Or we can simply do the forbidden clap dance until the break of dawn. The choice is yours.

You want a timely art review? Done. A recipe that can use that slightly-rotting pineapple in your pantry? We can help. A naughty tip to help you bring out the animal in your man? Oh yes, sister. A comfy argyle sweater? Sorry. Argyle is dead unless you happen to be a frayed, poly-blend blanket at your grandfather's New Hampshire cabin. Are you an argyle blanket at your Grandpappy's ramshackle summer retreat?

If you're partial to thought provoking, intellectual discourse on the issues of the day, please go here. If self-parody is your thing, try this. But if you're into nut-splitting slices of pop culture Wonder Bread, you're home. And you can keep your shoes on here. Just kidding. You need to take them off. And your socks, too. Nice.  Man, that's nice.  Damn. (Not a fetish thing.  My uncle was a podiatrist by day, Flemish harpsichordist by night. And the man knew feet. The man loved feet.)

And wait, there's more: we'll sometimes show you watershed events that have Advanced or Regressed our culture. We are the barometer of cool.  You can't fight it.  Let us fill the sails of your sad workday, or winsome evening alone, with our mirthful offerings.  Or we can buy you all. One at a time.

You're about to be rocked and I'm the hurricane.  Disclaimer over.

Yours in love,
Denny DelVecchio