From The Bag Of Tricks: Take The Wheel, Pacey Witter

Eds. Note: This is the ninth installment of our ongoing series of guest appearances by cultural heavyweights.   

Oh, well, well well, what have we here? 

It looks like Dawson Leery--the oldest American teenager since Ralph Macchio's 37 year old twig-dick was waxing Dame Elizabeth Shue on and off back in 1984. 

And Pacey has one thing to say to you:

Get your manicured hands, gingivitis hairline, Suvari-esque forehead and "ahh shucks Mr. Potter, I'd never ask for a sloppy handjob from your only daughter in the passenger seat of a '94 Honda Civic after studying late for our AP European History class" away from the girl.  And step your bitch ass to Pacey Witter. Because it's time for your $5 Footlong of pain, friend.

It's just not enough for you to be the smartest, most sensitive human without a vagina (allegedly) in Capeside. You apparently also feel the need to biblically recline with the only non-blonde I've ever loved. And by love, I mean shamelessly masturbated to while listening to side two of ELO's Eldorado, A Symphony with my booze-wrecked cop father and four sibs watching Ally McBeal in the next room. 

Now that's love.

And that's what you're messing with, homeboy.

I'll cut you.

Oh, wait, I get to take the sensitive blonde chipmunk instead? Well thanks a fucking million, partner. That's like offering me a goddamn Necco while you suck down a bag of Skittles Crazy Cores right in front of me.

You and Joey are Soulmates?  Please. That $2 sperm sponge will mount the first multimillionaire, bat-shit crazy Scientologist movie star that holds a door for her.  Mark Pacey's word. 

This is really all about Miss Jacobs robbing my fragile flower Freshman year, right? 

Well you know what, you can have her. Just send me over my true heart. My one and only. My Joey "Holy Dick Don't Confuse Me With Monica, Harry or Colonel " Potter.

And then I can get you a three episode turn on Fringe and/or Diane Kruger.

Ball's in your court, Dawson.   

And I don't want to wait. 

Signed,
Pacey

Advance #77: Sweet Literary Heroin For Your Withering Soul

Eagle/Whitesnake/Wiggle/Greedo/Nordic Track-Themed Number

It's Monday again.

Besides the cruel white indoor light boring into what's left of your benumbed soul and/or you hoping against hope that your cock-swallow of a supervisor hasn't installed internet tracking software on your 1999 Compaq Presario, you don't have much in the way of mirth staring you in the face (or anywhere else...like your PENIS).

Well stay tuned this week as Double D unfurls these panty-moistening slices of what Esquire has called  "mock-journalistic reverse cowgirl for the masses."

And, by special request of Carthage College Baseball Coach Augie Schmidt, IV, we're doing it Billboard Music Award Style:

Party/Bacardi rhyme garners 2011 Soul Train Lifetime Achievement Award.

Dismissive Toni Basil Fan Club Vice-Pres: "Mickey not even in Toni's Top 10."

D.J. humbly disavows responsibility for getting you falling in love again.

New 'She'riff in Town?: Rihanna's yawning vagina now preferred 4:1 To Britney's.

Rumors of Kanye West being underrated overrated.

Report: Richard Marx will totally suck your dick if you love him again. 

Usher promises to leave club on next song.

Emaciated dandy's plea to thuggish street gangs: "show them how funky strong is your fight."

Actual pitbull still waiting for guest cameo in loving home.

Passionate About His Music,
Denny DelVecchio

Regress #68: You Have Shamed Austria

Fuck TMZ. As noted in the tag below, you're too good for him

Memorandum

To: Arnold Schwarzenegger
From: Denny DelVecchio
Date: 5/18/11
Re: Side Project
_____________________________________
Denny just wanted to let you know that you could have met, bedded and pollinated a ladybox life support unit of similar vintage and aesthetics by spending roughly 15 minutes in any Camden laundromat. But then the reverse is also true, isn't it, you one-note, shrunken-nutted Douche Canoe?

Advance #76: Coming To Warm A Heart Near You

For the untold leigons of DelVecchians presently looking skyward in search of a modicum of validation for their staid, joyless existences, Denny now bestows upon them a modest preview of a few the upcoming episodes of this nine time Murrow Award winning webazine.  Enjoy.

Ryan Murphy hopes new Glee autofellatio episode leads to greater autofellatio empathy, acceptance.

Flirty summer looks for every type of body but yours.

Source: Cheating asshole really only cheating himself out of happiness.

Selena Gomez the next Selena Gomez.

Bloomington teen's 10 Minute Superbuns workout lasts only three minutes.

New Swagbucks Toolbar kinkiest thing in Lexington woman's life.

35 year old Pokemon superfan's wide-eyed, asexual existence validated by 6 year olds across globe.

Abrasive survey asks "Why the fuck are you wasting your time with this fucking survey right now?"

Deeply In Love With All Of You,
Denny DelVecchio

From The Bag of Tricks: Denny's First Term Paper (Advance #58)

It was in a tender, breezy Fall in a better time and place when a scholarly young lad turned his eyes skyward in askance, wondering aloud who he should select as the subject of his very first term paper. 

Would it be Ghandi? JFK? Joe Montana? Conrad Bain?

As Denny spun the names over in his head like so many fateful lottery balls, one number kept getting sucked through the pneumatic of my mind, revealed by a perky, eager to please young spokesmodel with a hooker's morals but a concubine's heart.

And what did that beautiful white ball reveal?

Read on . . .

October 7, 1986

Hello. My name is Denny DelVeciho which meaens Denny of the Vecchio in Italan (do I get extra credit for that Miss DiLazio?)and I picked out a super awsome guy for the person on Earth that I most admire the most of any person on Earth.

My father.

Just kidding. I haven't seen my dad in six years. The last I hurd he was selling his penis down by the warehouse dictrict for $10 and a menthol cigarette.

But anyway the person I most admire in the universe is Johnny Lawrence from the Karatie Kid. He's handsome and can kick ass so bad and he should have swept the leg and also kicked that little chinees dudes face in and then totally had sex with the blond girl, maybe in the locker room or could be in his car. And maybe they could have done it twice or even three times. He probably drived a kick butt car like an ElCamino that Denny is saving up his money for now. I have $17.80.

Any way those are the resons I really like Johnny Lawrence. I want to meet him someday and then when I do meet him Ill tell him that hes my hero and that we should go have a lot of sex together. Like with hot chicks. Maybe ones in Philly. That's a big city near Camden.

I saw a real boob last week by the way it was my counsin Dahlia's and I went into the bathroom to bust a grumpy and i saw her get out of the shower and their were boobs. She's 19 so they were xtra big. 

I also think Jesus Christ is cool (Tony G. told me to say that just in case Jesus reads my paper or some shit).

Anyway to sum up my term paper, my favorite person in the world is the blone guy from Karate kid, I saw my counsints boobs and if Jesus is reading this what I was doing last week in the closet was a science experment.

Sincerly,
Denny DelVeciho

Your New Bad Habit on OBL

Although Denny had never heard of "Osama" bin Laden before the homicidal Sheik's recent demise, he still feels compelled to give all loyal DelVecchians the sensitive yet hard-hitting analysis of this watershed event that they have come to expect from Your New Bad Habit.

So, going to press this week, is Denny's OBL issue, which will include these breezy fluff-pieces so worthy of the maniacal fanatic:

Afterlife Mixup: Terror Chief Stunned to Only Find Homely 72 Year Old Virgin "Eileen" Awaiting Him in Paradise.

Reflective Nicki Minaj Admits Recent Track With Osama "Probably One Guest Jam Too Many."

Oh Someone's Bin Winning!: Toledo Mudhens an Amazing 3-0 Since Terror Honcho's Death.

U.S. Government Reportedly Buries Bin Laden at Sea in "Flattering Juicy Couture Ensemble."

A Contemplative America Eagerly Awaits Owl City's Latest Tweet on Osama's Demise.

Appropriately Reflective,
Denny DelVecchio