Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Regress #55: The End Of Love

You, sir, are an ugly Justin Long
Denny Dance has never claimed to be the Dr. Zhivago to your affairs of the heart.

He won't become your fawning, eyelash-batting Scott Baio.

Sweet nothings to him may well involve a coyly placed digit in your Rusty Sheriff's Badge.

And his idea of a committed relationship is giving you bus fare home after a mangy, poorly-lit session of Dirty Heimlich.

But when he sees passion's sizzling embers squelched out prematurely, it makes his human side ache horrifically about what could have been.

Denny's having such a moment right now.

Pete and Ashlee are no more.

And Denny just died a little inside. And vomited a bit, too.

Now, he's off to try and find her carphone number. Need to pounce when the iron's hot.

Rebounding Like Kevin Love,
Denny DelVecchio  


Johnny Utah said...

But Pete Wentz had sex with her. Doesnt that downgrade her knowing she's lacking in self-esteem like that?

bschooled said...

You just made Justin Long's self-esteem increase tenfold.

I really hope she and Ryan Cabrera get back together. Just imagine the media frenzy that would ensue.

Denny DelVecchio said...

Ryan Cabrera plays for the Braves, right?

As for Dame Simpson's self-esteem, all she has to do is page Denny Dance and all is well.

Anonymous said...

I hope she and Chuck Norris hit it off. Hot Republican martial arts guy is every Barbie's dream date.

Anonymous said...

I just died a little bit too as I was living vicariously through Pete. I didn't vomit though because it would have meant I had to clean it up.

Bearman said...

Wonder if papa Simpson refused ton have her sign a prenuptial like big sister? See how well that worked out huh

Anonymous said...

They were the Kate and William of the sad!

nursemyra said...

Yep, strike while the iron's hot Denny. There'll be someone else on the doorstep by tomorrow

Anonymous said...

She's rebounding Denny ~ perfect.

Bird Shit said...

This just shattered my illusions of love. If these crazy kids can't make it work, then who can?

Unknown said...

Hm... I wonder by how much Ashlee's popularity and sales will go up in response to this devastating heart break...

Whoever said bad publicity was... well.. bad :)?

*by the way my word verification is so proactive. It was "pravet" which looked initially like "prevent'

Denny DelVecchio said...

@OCD: That's in God's hands now.

@Ahmnodt: Did it feel odd losing five inches? And also being a little shorter?

@Bear: Homer?

@Loon: I know Becks and Posh. That's as far as it goes.

@Good Nurse: Denny's iron is always hot, love. Now excuse me, I need to go iron.

@Mars: She's thinking the same, no doubt. Not just a Denny lovedoll anymore.

@BS/BC: That's greeting card good.

@500 Days of Summer: That's greeting card good.

@Leila: Your name is oddly similar to Leia, who is my favorite intergalactic princess.'re also a lot smarter than Denny.

bluntdelivery said...

no shit.

macaulay kulkin's divorce was devastating enough... but if this couldn't make it, then i might as well get a divorce right now.

singlegirlie said...

Maybe she realized she now has a better shot at prime peen now that

1) she has a better nose
2) she hopes the SNL fiasco has kinda been forgotten by most
3) her sister got fat.

I do think you're downgrading from Estelle Getty though, Den-Den. And, of course, moi.

Denny DelVecchio said...

@Blunty: Live on a prayer like Gina.

@Single: Peen kinds of sounds like something a chick would have.

Dr. Cynicism said...

Best of luck in your Ashlee pursuit. Also, Pete's skull is bigger than her entire body - it was bound to fall apart.