Monday, February 28, 2011

Advance #69: Denny Does New York

Some More Cristal?
Denny has just peeled himself off of his urine-splattered motorcoach back to fucking Hoth.

"How are you feeling, Denny," you ask?

Well, that's very kind of you. Let me see.

I smell like a six week old urinal cake from a hockey locker room.

I'm boner-weary.

I'm down almost $5,000.

And I likely have upward of 17 new species of bacteria swimming around wantonly somewhere in the well-oiled love missile that some call my "body."

Yes, it was the greatest weekend of my young life.

As a public service, Denny Dance is listing a few of the things that I did to others/had done to me/did to myself, with a few fake ones tossed in as a meager dose of plausible deniability for the more legally defunct and morally decrepit amongst them.

Hopefully living through me will somehow brighten your cheerless existence as an elderly, third shift Sam's Club door greeter. I know living through me brightens mine.


Promenaded for several rapturous city blocks with new Knick Carmelo Anthony's oversized paws buried deep in my rear jeans' pockets.

Lost myself in a relaxing Calgon bubble bath--while swilling generous amounts of Sambuca--with a full length rabbit coat-adorned Karaoke Activity Partner and (for 16 minutes) Love in the Dumps. Sorry, MB, the water wasn't cold.

Took fifth place (robbed) in the Trick Out With Your Prick Out Night at The Hairy Bear nightclub. (Apparently Captain Eduardo's Rasputinian mane didn't carry the day for Denny.)

Greedily devoured a generous portion of a live Norway rat to win a wager with that creepy-eyebrowed ghoul from Saturday Night Live.

Totally did it, like, 73 times in three days with over 200 women.

Turned a tidy Manhattan charmer into a clothing optional, anything goes meth den in less than 14 hours--and still got my security deposit back the next day.

Re-impregnated Natalie Portman just minutes before her flight to the Oscars.

Transformed a staid Bachelorette party into grimy pleasure-fest using only my ample moustache, a bottle of 5 Hour Energy, an Oster air popper and the 26th Psalm.

Made sweet love to you.

Catch you next time,
Denny DelVecchio


Love in the Dumps said...

Denny, 16 minutes felt like 16 days. And it was enough time to get me preggers. And they said it couldn't happen between two men - I knew the wig would fool you.

Denny's Ex-Wife said...

Nice touch adding a photo of our replacement table center piece from our wedding to this post.

I know you probably don't remember, but you walked into our reception at the VFW and handed out our center piece flowers to my bridesmaids all while saying, "Tonight, Red Roof Inn, room 321, two queen size beds, you, me, her, her, her, the bride's mom, the bride's cousin, the priest, some baby farm animals, a VHS tape of "Dirty Dancing", oh, and the bride."

I ended up drinking that replacement center piece alone in the bathroom.

Love in the Dumps said...

I smell a KAP....

Anonymous said...

Denny has an ex? You bastard!!!!!!

Denny DelVecchio said...

@Dumps: I still have your corsage. And I always will.

@Ex: You knew what the DelVecchian Love Tour and all of its otherworldly pleasures of the flesh meant when you said "I do" back in 2005.

And you're not alone in the bathroom. Look behind the shower curtain.

@Loon: And my pops is dating her. Isn't that a cold splash of Stetson cologne?

singlegirlie said...

I want my sex tape.

P.S. Denny's ex-wife, you are missed.

bschooled said...

You had me at $5,000.

Granted you lost me at Oster air popper, but then you had me back again when you said the part about making sweet love.

ps. I miss your ex-wife, too.

nursemyra said...

"well oiled love missile" is a classy turn of phrase

Anonymous said...

I guess the fake ones are...

You placing fifth in anything involving "pricks" at a place with a name that includes "hairy"? I call bullshit. You kicked ass. I know you're modest, Denny, but we all reveal in your glory.

Only 200+ women? What, were you feeling lazy?

blunt delivery said...


1. where the hell was i?

2. oh yea, back in chicago where you were supposed to visit

3. oh wait, you only live in like, the next state over so you could really visit here without any trouble. yet you don't. huh.

4. me =offended and not willing to congratulate you on a good time.

Denny DelVecchio said...

@Single: We need to perpetrate a long distance sextape. You send me your scenes and I'll edit.

@B: You had me at "You."

@Good Nurse: Denny's all about class, love. That's what brought you here.

@Mars: It was mathematically impossible. But I tried, as you'll notice the # of women outpaced the number of times I did it. (Don't try and work through it logically.)

@Blunty: I'll take #5

Denny's Ex-Wife said...

Miss you all too, but not as much as Denny's well oiled love missle.

Oh, wait - that's what's waiting behind the curtain, huh?

Dr. Cynicism said...

Why the hell wasn't I invited?! This anonymity horseshit has its downsides :-(

blunt delivery said...

i heard you made out with KAP.

what is this, see how much you can stab me through the heart game?