Thursday, October 7, 2010

Advance #58: Denny's First Term Paper

It was in a tender, breezy Fall in a better time and place when a scholarly young lad turned his eyes skyward in askance, wondering aloud who he should select as the subject of his very first term paper. 

Would it be Ghandi? JFK? Joe Montana? Conrad Bain?

As Denny spun the names over in his head like so many fateful lottery balls, one number kept getting sucked through the pneumatic of my mind, revealed by a perky, eager to please young spokesmodel with a hooker's morals but a concubine's heart.

And what did that beautiful white ball reveal?

Read on . . .

October 7, 1986

Hello. My name is Denny DelVeciho which meaens Denny of the Vecchio in Italan (do I get extra credit for that Miss DiLazio?)and I picked out a super awsome guy for the person on Earth that I most admire the most of any person on Earth.

My father.

Just kidding. I haven't seen my dad in six years. The last I hurd he was selling his penis down by the warehouse dictrict for $10 and a menthol cigarette.

But anyway the person I most admire in the universe is Johnny Lawrence from the Karatie Kid. He's handsome and can kick ass so bad and he should have swept the leg and also kicked that little chinees dudes face in and then totally had sex with the blond girl, maybe in the locker room or could be in his car. And maybe they could have done it twice or even three times. He probably drived a kick butt car like an ElCamino that Denny is saving up his money for now. I have $17.80.

Any way those are the resons I really like Johnny Lawrence. I want to meet him someday and then when I do meet him Ill tell him that hes my hero and that we should go have a lot of sex together. Like with hot chicks. Maybe ones in Philly. That's a big city near Camden.

I saw a real boob last week by the way it was my counsin Dahlia's and I went into the bathroom to bust a grumpy and i saw her get out of the shower and their were boobs. She's 19 so they were xtra big. 

I also think Jesus Christ is cool (Tony G. told me to say that just in case Jesus reads my paper or some shit).

Anyway to sum up my term paper, my favorite person in the world is the blone guy from Karate kid, I saw my counsints boobs and if Jesus is reading this what I was doing last week in the closet was a science experment.

Denny DelVeciho


bschooled said...

Oh, Denny.

It's essays like this that make me wish I was Mary Kay Letourneau.

Dreaming of the day we can be cousints,


Anonymous said...

You know seriously Denny, you should have chosen Conrad Bain. He was totally awesome and rich. Though his parenting skills are somewhat in question now that Willis is the only one still breathing !
I hear Johnny Lawrence had a brief but memorable scene in Hot Tub Time Machine. Woohoo!!

Vodka and Ground Beef said...

This is awesome Denny. If one of my students wrote something like this, I'd thumb tack it up on the bulletin board with "C" on it, but in smaller print, it would say "u later at my place."

No, but really - I loved this. It made me want to yell out my favorite line from the Karate Kid: "SWEEP THE LEG, JOHNNY!!!"

nursemyra said...

Is that science experiment increasing in size?

bearman said...

How come they always have chubby guys at the evil karate school? And why don't they get to win it all or at least go to the finals.

Denny DelVecchio said...

@B: That day is here.

@Loon: Get him a body bag...YEAH.

@Vodka: You a teacher? Now Denny's even more curious. Can I get some extra credit?

@Good Nurse: As I write this...

@Bear: Another grave injustice that Hollywood has immorally mined for dollars.

singlegirlie said...

I see you were a genius AND a stud even back in your youth.

And I congratulate you for spelling "heard" like "turd" with an h. No other erd/eard/ord word is spelled with the u like so. And now one is.

And you told me that thing we did last week with the bunsen burner was a science experiment. You blinded me with science.

singlegirlie said...

But seriously, this post... Me loves.

Denny DelVecchio said...


susi spice said...

oh Denny, this is where your genius seems you had me at Helo

Anonymous said...

That was hilarious and awesome. You keep bringing out the coolest hits too! I really think you wise man catch fly w/ chopstick...unlike me, whom the other day caught one in mouth...true story.

Dr. Cynicism said...

Dear god Denny, you are brilliant. Your intelligence and keen eye for the true value of life's important content was even apparent in your early writing. I'm surprised Mrs. DiLazio didn't nominate you for some special program or award.

Anonymous said...

I was just talking about Johnny Lawrence last night at Karaoke! There was this super blonde communist looking dude that walked in towards the end and I was "dude, it's that blonde communist from Karate Kid!" and then a quick check of the Infernets and Johnny Lawrence came up....

bluntdelivery said...


i'm a wee bit saddened cus i thought, at first glance, your idol was Joey Lawrence.

I thought this was the last cosmic bond that we needed to get over our fears of lifelong commitment together.

we were so close.



Denny DelVecchio said...

@Spice: it may be where my genus began.

@OCD: pretty fly for a white girl.

@Doc Syn: Can I audit your course online?

@KAP: Fully 1/3 of my conversations--and fantasies--begin with Johnny Lawrence.

@Blunty: Don't lose faith so quickly.

Nubian said...

All over your blog like a piece of mold on stale bread. Follower #14. Do I get a Denny Member card now?

Denny DelVecchio said...

@Nubian: Denny only printed 10, but I'll hand draw you one and send it to your penthouse suite in Awesometown.