Eds. Note: This is the seventh installment of our ongoing series of guest appearances by cultural heavyweights.
I must confess that, when I was a younger woman, I didn't think too much of soccer. It seemed like a pointless game played by a gaggle of sissy-kicking thespians with odd names who were afraid to use their hands like real men did.
I know my Ed, Lord rest his soul, wouldn't have been caught dead in the knee-high bobby sox and tap shoes that the circus freaks seemed to favor.
Yes, the thought of offering up my loins to one of the nylon shorts-sporting eunuchs once would have seemed like heretic for this properly-raised Midwestern Lutheran girl.
But then a few weeks back, as I flipped through my 11 cable stations after Fox & Friends, I was introduced to you, my sweet, guilty obsession. And I had never seen anything so beautiful in my 67 years on this earth.
Your noble, heroic eyes twinkled with puckish glee. Your strong thighs served notice that you would take what you wanted when you wanted it. And that boyish yet confident air of yours awakened my long aching she-regions from their 20 year death-slumber.
At that moment I knew that I would do anything for you, Landon Donovan.
And now that your U.S. squad sits a win away from advancing to something or other that I'm sure is very important to you, I'm willing to cast aside the humble virtues of my womanhood to offer this singular proposition: Win your game tomorrow and I'll let you hit this any which way but loose.
Yes, you heard me right, Mr. Donovan. If your team triumphs Wednesday I will let you rock my feminine flesh temple right. Oh yes, we will biblically recline in my sweet feather bed on and on until the break of dawn.
Please don't think of me as some sort of sexual wastrel. Nothing could be further from the truth. I'm a polite woman of virtue who has been with only one man, but is willing to offer up her still viable ladybits to the Pleasure Gods if that's what it takes to deliver a win for you.
So my tender, prematurely balding vanilla Ewok, Eloise has made her offer and her offer is final.
I eagerly await your answer.
Eloise (Lundagard) Henderson