Monday, June 28, 2010

Advance #38: Waldenbooks Kicks Barnes & Noble's Pissy Little Ass

So, I hear you're out talking shit again--saying you prefer literary cyborg Barnes & Noble over dignified gentleman of refinement Waldenbooks.

Oh, okay, so Denny thinks he understands.

You're the joyless vulgarian who prefers Burlington Coat Factory to Rue St. Denis.

The shameless cuckold who would co-habitate with the Cloverdale Monster over Godzilla.

The friendless cur who favors the company of a Fleshlight to a good old-fashioned hot shower with a Loofah, bottle of Aussie Mega Rainforest Mist Conditioner and 20 good minutes to kill.

Are you feeling like the trend-sniffing troglodyte that you are?  That's right. Denny thinks so, too.

For my money, I want a bookstore where I can freely peruse racks full of 50% off 2010 Cats in Hats calendars, bury my nose in any one of 16 different magazines that I must buy if I read, or get lost in the Suzanne Somers Jazz Dancing Guidebook knowing that only one employee is on duty to shoo me homeward.

I also enjoy being asked three different times upon checkout if I'm totally sure I don't want to "join the Waldenbooks President's Club of Values because I can totally save 5% right now and up to 25% on future purchases... oh man can you please help me...this branch is closing in September and I just can't go back to giving $20 tugjobs in the bathroom of Carl's Jr.  just so I don't have to move back in with Randy, that three timing uteromaniac who's probably back with that skanky trull from "Thighs On You"over by the airport...wait...wait... You forgot your receipt."

But you probably already knew that.

I love you, Waldenbooks. You can move in above my garage anytime if the worst comes to pass.

Boldly,
Denny DelVecchio

4 comments:

Sylvie said...

Forget about Waldenbooks, tell me more about the hunky piece of Sirloin in the picture.

Meow.

Slinky Redfoot said...

Seriously. What is Succumi?? Sounds like an alien being. If that's the case, I agree, gentlemen prefer Sucumi. "Sucumi here my little Sucumi!"

Denny DelVecchio said...

@Sylvie: That's Denny, baby.

@Slinky: Succubus might be the most badass word in the English language.

Sylvie said...

You're good Denny but not that good.