Thursday, September 30, 2010

Take The Wheel, Karaoke Activity Partner

Eds. Note: This is the 10th installment of our ongoing series of guest appearances by cultural heavyweights. 

This just happens to be one Denny would very much like to have sex with right now. Denny commands you to visit the nimble minx's site forthwith.

The first time I made love to a real man happened in a bathroom, in a night club, in New Jersey in 1988.  I still feel the fever from that night of knockin' da boots, riding the wild stallion, "picking the lice off my primate lover" - all while trying not to let my panties fall onto the urine soaked floor.

There I was in Camden, New Jersey, dressed up in my leopard print bustier, hot pink stretch pants, crotchless purple lace panties, sequins, headband twisted inside my perm, and 4" aqua Candies pumps.  I was feeling sexy, glamorous, and horny.  I was snorting pharmaceutical grade cocaine up my left nostril, and pure cane sugar up my right. I was sipping a Zima and pushing my chest out so the whole room could see my double D's.

Just then, one of my favorite songs came over the boom box, and it was then my eyes fell upon this sexy stallion from across the room, and I couldn't take my eyes off him.

"Damn," I thought as I slowly was pulled towards him by the magnetic force otherwise known as Denny's Titanic Sized Love Stick (or it could have been the mustache), "everyone is gonna see my dampness for this man.  Why did I wear the crotchless ones this evening?"

There were no words, just moves, as we started to grind together to an electrifying beat. Then, this hot hunk whispered in my ear, softly... "Hey Athena, you mind if I call you that, you look like a goddess to me.  I am Denny DelVecchio.  Let's go see if I can get you pregnant while you're bent over the urinal."  All I could do was groan in ecstasy knowing that I was his chosen one for that quarter hour and I would now be able to list "dipping my toes into the pool called DelVecchio" on my list of greatest achievements.

There were no words, just screams and random animal like noises that eventually had caught the attention of the security staff.  When they banged on the door, my Denny did the right thing... he accepted $20 each in cold, hard cash in order for them to watch the greatest show on Earth.  When it was all done, Denny had pocketed $140 dollars and I asked him to buy me a drink, to which he promptly told me, "No 'ho, go buy your own damn drink."

I'll never forget that man, the sex, or the son we conceived that night that now lives with his Native American grandma in Colorado.



Denny DelVecchio said...

Ooh, rock me, Amadeus.

Vodka and Ground Beef said...


Only love and respect.

"picking the lice off my primate lover" = tingles.

Bearman said...

"This just happens to be one Denny would very much like to have sex with right now."

Please don't use that phrase if ever I do a guest post here.

Quick someone bless me. My captcha phrase was "Achew"

singlegirlie said...

I can't wait to be an evil stepmonster!

BTW, KAP, can I borrow those crotchless panties?

Dr. Cynicism said...

Zima... that takes me back. What an eloquent expose of passionate lust conquering. Grats :-)

Anonymous said...

The crotchless panties I gave to Corey Haim about a month later. Sorry!

bschooled said...

This was a thing of beauty. Pure, adulterated, barbaric beauty.

My new bad habit, indeed.