Saturday, August 28, 2010

From The Bag Of Tricks: "My Kid Is Funny" Posts on Facebook (Regress #4)

Not everyone gets to lead the edgy, devil-may-care lifestyle that I do, so Double D has come to accept that Facebook is likely to remain a glistening, hell-spawned pustule on humankind's hindquarters for at least the next 6-8 months.

So, if you want to tell the world about the cloven hoof that you're growing,  fire away. Or if you feel compelled to update the Eastern Seaboard on the fact that Bobby Accento (pictured here on the right) shoved his girthy tounge down your windpipe after bartime in a stuffy, poorly lit back hallway at The Argonaut, rock on.

But what I will not accept as a brainy, cocksure artist with a pitch-perfect gangsta swagger are updates about your younglings. Your progeny. Your spawn. It simply won't be tolerated.

So that tiny "baby-you" in the high-chair just gurgled three consonant-less utterings in a row without throwing up all over themselves? Sorry, Moms, they just didn't draft the Magna Carta. They didn't perfect cold fusion. They didn't manage to get a bipartisan healthcare overhaul sewed up.

And please don't tell me how funny your wee one is. 95% of what they do is "gouge my eyes out" unfunny. The other 5% involves bodily functions, which can be funny, but probably isn't in their case (unless it has coated you in some way).

Parents, here's the scale you need to use for your kids and Facebook:

(1) "I think my Dora is the funniest baby in human history" really means "The fact that my Dora jammed three fluid ounces of strained apricots into her nasal cavity is, for most people, mildly amusing and worthy of a tiny pity-snicker."

(2) "Our little Ben is a hilarious baby boy" really means "My cross-eyed scamp once birthed a brown submarine the size of Long Island while bathing, but usually cries 13 hours a day until I "quarter dose" them with Robitussin. Yeah, he's a real giggle machine."

(3) "Davie, my sweet little charmer, made this adorable video for Youtube last week when he pretended to be Will.i.am while dancing in Daddy's cowboy boots" really means "I should never have procreated with Country Jerry."

(4) "My little babycakes Kylie is such a serious little snookie, but she can sometimes be Momma's silly boo boo" really means "My Kylie is a joyless little troll who has roughly 74 sad, wanting years left until she departs this Earth friendless and alone."

Now you know.  And don't you feel a bit ashamed looking back?  If not, I'll feel appropriately ashamed for you.

Glad tidings,
Denny DelVecchio

12 comments:

Love in the Dumps said...

This is an epic post Denny. I want that graphic on a T shirt.

Jami said...

But.... But.... But...

My son IS funny, Denny! Haven't you been reading my posts??

Denny DelVecchio said...

Has anyone ever told you what a Straight G you are, Dumps?

Denny DelVecchio said...

@Jami...I toyed with putting a disclaimer up exempting your lad from that post(because, damn it, he IS funny), but I would have risked having to withstand a torrent of similar requests from readers whose kids aren't funny.

I took the safe play.

susi spice said...

i wanna be facebook friends with the man behind denny delvecchio...not just denny's facebook...

i made you cake..will that get me in? :P

ps i dont have kids therefore no kids are funny updates..hehe

Denny DelVecchio said...

Spice, Denny doesn't understand your request. Man behind Denny? I simply can't process.

Bearman said...

Susi is trying to pass off her fruitcake on you Denny. Don't let her do it.

Denny DelVecchio said...

I'd probably enjoy her fruitcake. And she mine.

singlegirlie said...

I just tweeted your link with this comment: "I SO wish I could post this to my Facebook. Not even I have the balls for that."

I think all parents of the world should just set up a separate Facebook account to be friends with other parents so each can post ad nauseum about their little brats and they can all pretend to give a shit.

But if you are friends with the rest of us, please spare us the twice-a-day, boring ass details about what we all now consider to be your demon spawn, because we JUST DON'T CARE.

Thanks for the PSA, Den-Den. This post rocks like nothing has ever rocked before.

Ball-less, singlegirlie

Ron-Yves said...

I think you're all fruitcakes...

Great post Denny---I laughed until Ovaltine came out of my ears...

I especially like your Nobody Puts Baby In A Corner 'tag'...subtle but powerful...much like my inner thighs, some would say...

Cheers Jackass,

-s

Denny DelVecchio said...

@ Single: I need you NOW.

@Ron: U know how to work a Betacam?

singlegirlie said...

If you were on Twitter I could retweet you allllll the time. And yes, retweet does refer to something salacious.