Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Advance #64: My New Bad Resolutions

Greetings, my panting DelVecchians. Your favorite party crasher/panty snatcher is back in full effect.

I felt your collective, preternatural yearning across the broad expanse spanning wherever you are and my South Kenosha Garden Efficiency of Carnaility, and felt that I owed it to your trusty loins to put some pants on for the first time in roughly 72 hours and toss a knowing witticism or two your way.

You're welcome.

So, at risk of plowing original ground in any way shape or form, Denny Dance will settle in and man-hump the blog-tested meme of New Year's resolutions. I'm stunned that Mr. Brand hasn't already unleashed his own wispy set of these centering on effetely swilling cherry-lime cosmos and/or tennis-themed self-gratification and/or hatching a plan to woo an unwitting young lass by borrowing his neighbor Les' three legged pygmy German Shepherd for a couple of hours. (Hint: not the dog kind.)

Although my initial, vain instinct would be to leave my quasi-perfection alone, along my ex-wife would waddle and spoil that man-tasy. So I'll come correct.

Denny can better himself. There, I said it. (Put our gentle, resplendent lovemaking sessions of 2010 out of your mind so the list doesn't strain all bounds of believability.)

Here's how I'll do it:

1. Begin working an actual Shake Weight for my seven daily Shake Weight sessions.
2. Start using real names when on the prowl for tocus. Retiring "Bennie DelVecchio" for good.
3. No more sexting with the boss man (except on breaks).
4. Stop being so goddamn good-looking.
5. More headbands (see video, above).
6. Less codpieces.
7. 13 way with Singlegirlie, Vodka, KAP, B Schooled, Jami, Spice, Loon, Blunty, OCD, Good Nurse, Nikki and you. Denny will at long last add "Director" to his acting resume. It's good to be a hyphenate.
8. Two way with Gunther. In a totally straight way.
9. Perhaps dabble a bit in the Dildonic Arts.
10. Continue blowing your mind, rocking you world and dampening your chosen variety of undergarment(s) with murderous aplomb.

Good to have me back,
Denny DelVecchio


singlegirlie said...

Damn. I thought it said more headbands AND codpieces and just came in my Jordache 10 times. It's good to have you back, Denny. So good.

Love in the Dumps said...

Number 9 is the best, simply because 'dabble' and 'dildonic' sound so amazing together. So now when people google my name, this post comes up #1. Thanks Den Den.

bschooled said...


You are the change I want to see shoved into the lining of my pants pocket.

Needless to say, I'm going to miss you like nobody's business. (I'd tell you exactly how much I'm going to miss you, but like I said, it's nobody's business.)

If something happens to me while I'm away and I end up dead/ kidnapped/marrying the leader of a well respected tribe, just remember one thing: I may have been your number four wife, but you will always be my number one weight shaker. For realz.


nursemyra said...

Grey is an inappropriate colour for a codpiece

Anonymous said...

Just 4 words:

tennis-themed self-gratification

Anonymous said...

Nix #4: There is a shortage of good-looking people in this world. It would be a pity to lose yours. (wait... did I just quote a movie?)

#7: When and where, darling.

Fever Beaver said...

number 11. Get to know and get intimate with the Fever Beaver...

that is a must..

Denny DelVecchio said...

@Beaver: You had me at n

@Nikki: Here and now?

@KAP: Four words. Two hymens.

@Good Nurse: How about gray?

@B: Please don't go. Don't go. Don't go away. Please don't go. Don't go. Beggin you to stay.

@Dumps: You picked the dildo one. And Denny wins $20.

@Single: Please send said pants, unwashed, C.O.D. to Denny in South Kenosha, WI. It will get to me.

Anonymous said...

Who is Fever Beaver, because I want to put on my boogie shoes, and boogie with him/her.

bluntdelivery said...


how i've missed you.

i see that your love for me remains unwavering in that you still desire to include me in a 13-way.

this is why i can't quit YOU.

may you achieve every dream inside that ridiculously handsome head of yours.


bearman said...

Turn me loose. I was singing that last week as the constipation wore on....

Denny DelVecchio said...

@KAP: So you want to meet the beaver?

@Bear: TLI.

@Blunty: Ditto back at you.

Dr. Cynicism said...

I'm sad that I wasn't even CONSIDERED to be the videographer for your 13-way. Sheesh.