Monday, November 29, 2010

Take The Wheel, Brian Dunkleman

Eds. Note: This is the 13th installment of our ongoing series of guest appearances by cultural heavyweights. 

Hello, bitches and bitchettes. Dunkleman here checking in with my peoples all across the world who are, byes the ways, the best goddamn fans in all said world. Much love from BD1.

When I'm not totally being ogled on the street by well-wishers and hoes that want to get all up on my jock, I'm keeping busy with TONS of new projects, including a spec romantic dramedy I'm shopping for a Lifetime Movie based upon my last season on Celebrity Fit Club. Makes Precious look like Yo Gabba Gabba.

We're just looking for the right director now. Don't want to drop any names *Ahem, Brett Ratner* but let's just say I wouldn't go and cancel that subscription to Variety yet just 'cause Papa Dunks hasn't been in there for a spell.  Trust a brother on that.

What? Ryan Seacrest? That cum-guzzling roadwhore couldn't drink the warmed over Keystone streaming down my ass crack on any given Sunday night in the back room of Baker's Brewpub in Studio City. Not as long as B-Dunks is running the open mic night.

I wouldn't trade places with that cocksmoking he-goblin if I were offered $100 and three hits of street-grade Angel Dust. No way. Especially not unless you have some on you right now.

While Skeletor's sexting with 9th runners up from Season 6 of Idol, I have my pick of the litter in the line outside of the 8 pm Groundlings show--after I tell them I hoste(ed) American Idol and then flash them my vocational driver's license and one additional form of I.D., perhaps a Sam's Club card. Or maybe I blow their mind with my Swiss Colony Yodeler of Savings creds.  Either way, they'll usually let me bounce in and kick it with them most of the night. Welcome to the O.C., bitch.

Oh, you still think I regret leaving Idol? N-word, please. Did you get a third read for the part of Cabin Boy #2 in the BBC remake of Moby Dick? How about serving as the understudy to Geoff the Pizza Jerker in the 2006 reboot of Black Chicks White Dicks? Or secure a callback as Pleasant-Looking Guy in Bathtub Next To Moderately Attractive Wife in the new Cialis masterstroke? No?  Really? Then I guess you also didn't get the part of guy who gave a sweaty tugjob behind a Culver City Carl's Jr. for meth money last week.

Didn't think so. Because you're name isn't Brian Dunkleman.

But this guy's is. And he's about to blow it all up, yet again.

Brian Dunkleman


Anonymous said...

I have no idea who the hell you are brian dinkleman or however you spell your name, but I'd gladly would let you get me hammered, puke at your feet, and then let you take a shower with me. "Harder, harder, oh baby you're the best."

Love in the Dumps said...

"Especially not unless you have some on you right now." that mixed with Skeletor is the perfect cocktail this morning. Thx Dinkleman, and thank you Denny for scouting this DelVecchian worthy talent.

susi spice said...

bhahahaha u cracked me up BD...
good post good post

singlegirlie said...

1. Uhhhhhh... Who the fugg are you? Where is Denny?

2. I was a Groundlings student and never blew you, so there.

3. Denny is one seriously funny fuck, which is why I'll always guzzle warm Keystone through his asscrack on any day of the week and thrice on Thursday.

nursemyra said...

Um... is Geoff the pizza boy available for home deliveries?

Denny DelVecchio said...

@KAP: Brian's booked through tomorrow at 1:30. I'll get back to you.

@Dumps: He said he'll rock your shit for a footjob and carton of Marlboros.

@Single: That's not what B. Dunks said.

@Good Nurse: Yes, but it will be a more Italian version.

Denny DelVecchio said...

@Spice: I'll forward your compliment to Mr. Dunkleman. He'll be appreciative (and ask for your number).

Anonymous said...

Oh my god - SingleGirlie you are are fucking HYSTERI(C)A(L) when you're near...

DD: well you tell that loser that I always keep my day planner open for losers who will treat me like shit, so whenevers good for him.

bschooled said...

Well hello there, Brian!

Sadly, I didn't get to see your work on Celebrity Fit Club. Not because I don't respect you as an actor, mind you. It's just that I don't really believe in fat people.

But to hear that you got a callback from the Cialis guys even after you lost all that weight, just proves that you're the real deal.

If you're ever in the market for a second wife, mail me a letter. I'm always on the look-out for a guy that I can wake up next to after a night of drinking and not have to wonder whether I should pop another one of my "just in case" pills.


Denny DelVecchio said...

@KAP: He posts a lot in the Other Variations section of NY Post personals. Work the hook-up there. My pimp days are over.

@B: He wants you to post your digits right here so he can figure out if he had your number already.

Anonymous said...

That hurts DD, especially after I Western Union'ed you money up there in Wisconsin - btw did you get that?

Denny DelVecchio said...

Yes. Think of it as a layaway payment.

vodka and ground beef said...

Denny has a Sam's Club card, right?

"Someone still has feelings for Abdul." hi-larious.

bschooled said...

Tell him that he's going to have to work for it.

(Not hard, mind you. It's on the bathroom stall of pretty much every Walmart from here to the Tijuana border.)

Denny DelVecchio said...

@Vodka: I'm a Costco man. They have Sheik Extra Longs in 144 packs.

@B: And Denny's own.

singlegirlie said...

Hi Denny. I saw this and not sure why, but I thought of you.

No, I'm not saying you're a wife beater. I just want to perform this dance for you in suspenders and biker shorts.

I bet they ain't got that in Wisconsin.