To The Beguiling Tipper Gore

June 1, 2010

Dearest Tipper-

I hope this missive finds you well, and I can't tell you how long I've waited for this beautiful day--one where I can finally lay my myriad emotions bare at your supple bosom.

I've spent the better part of my adult life patiently biding my time in the hopes that, one day, the two of us would be able to consummate my love for you.

It now seems, Mary Elizabeth (wink wink), that my patience is about to be richly rewarded. And at last you can find both passion and acceptance in my tender, muscular arms. 

Hush, child.  Denny doesn't need an answer now.  It has surely been a grueling day for you, and I want your aching acceptance of my love to unleash itself after an honest night's rest.  That's the least I can do for my beautiful little nymphet.

Have I eschewed the pleasures of the flesh as I waited for you?   No more than you did, I'm sure.  But please know I don't begrudge you even a single night of carnal delight that may have arisen in your marital bed.That's your cross to bear.

I was once married, too.  And I know the unique brand of love that can only exist between a man and the woman he called his wife for just under 6 days.

So, my elegant queen, slumber peacefully this evening, and drop Denny a text tomorrow AM so we can perpetrate the hook-up. I recommend we meet somewhere between your East Coast and my Arizona.  Let's say Texas.

Tipper Gore DelVecchio.  I think I could get used to that.

All Of My Love,
Denny DelVecchio

P.S.: I've always hated Dee Snider.

Regress #2: Global "Warming"

I woke up early this afternoon (big shout out to AdultFriendFinder.com for another very special, very late Friday evening) to find that two of my metatarsals were frozen together (no big shout out to APS Energy Services).

After managing to separate them via a tin of Sterno Canned Heat, I quickly turned my anger on those witless trolls who still think that our planet is getting warmer. Warmer?  Really? That's like saying that Kanye West didn't deserve to have been bequeathed few reflective moments of his own from that pudgy, scene-hogging tart. Are we in a world gone mad? Maybe.  But we're most definitely in a world gone cold.

To show you why, I have three points:

Point #1: every year it gets colder around September. Yes, colder.  Any rebuttal, Mr. Global Cooling Denier? Or are you too busy taking your massive, gas-hogging limo to your climate summit while snorting a line of pleasure powder off of the inner thigh of your paid escort--I mean research associate. Ahh, silence. Beautiful silence.

Point #2: it was bone-rattling in my beloved Arizona this morning.  The 30s.  More than froid enough to temporarily weld one's phalanges together. Regina George cold. If the globe is truly warming, it wouldn't get all Iditeroddy in the same place that even the Dark Prince Lucifer shies away from for months at a time. A convenient truth, if you ask me.

I don't really have a 3rd point, but I think points #1 and #2 got it done for me.

You've heard the whispers.  Now they're a shout.  Global Warming is Dead.  Good riddance, you old bat.

Your shiver-bro,
Denny DelVecchio