Monday, January 24, 2011

Winner, Winner Braised Prime Rib And New Potatoes Dinner: An Upset!

A meaty man-thanks to all of you who tried your hand at fashioning Denny Dance a once-in-a-lifetime carnal calling card. It was humbling, to say the least. Actually, I don't know what humility feels like. I'm just saying it because Aaron Rodgers muttered something about it after the Bears game.

To feel certain that I made a fair ruling, I posted each of your offerings to the online dating section of the Kenosha News (except one, due to tardiness...but I still rubbed one out to it so prodigiously that Moses would have been proud) and assessed the results objectively--in terms of responses.

After a weekend each, the tops was none other than Just Ask Rod's cocksure "blow me now, ho" maelstrom of crotch-thumping goodness.

Behold:

Yo girls, what’s good? Prepare yourselves for the inspiration of perspiration. Denny’s ready to commit. For one or, more realistically, several lucky lady(ies) I am prepared to bestow upon you all that is me and make your world shine like the 1 and a half carot cubic zirconia you so richly deserve. I’m a modest man of intrigue, blessed with a vibrant mane in which to entwine your fingers and a robust stache that screams, Ride Me. While I hate to put limits on my love I must insist you possess the following qualities. 

1. You are possessed with stunning ovaries, milky thighs, angel eyes and a body made taut from years of Jazzercize.
2. You have a healthy love and adoration of Whitesnake. (No exceptions)
3. You are practiced in the art of Honduran Prostate Massage. ( I can talk you through it)
4. The heady scent of Aqua Velva and the sight of a man in Bugle Boys makes your front naughty moist.
5. You don’t mind going half on a pack of Kools.
If you think you measure up, hit my pager. I’ll pick you up in my whip and we’ll drink a bottle of Goldschlager behind the burned out Shoney’s and I’ll thoroughly service your saucebox with my porksword. In the morning I’ll crap you a Promise Ring to make our union official.
No, that isn’t a sock in my pants and yes, I am happy to see you.


Why did he win? No idea, because he would be relegated to the caboose in the Denny Meat Train right after Matt Brand if things ever got orgified between all of you who submitted entries. But five lucky ladies, one couple in their 60s and a cross-dressing dental hygienist all seemed to fancy it.

A sincere DelVecchian word up to all who entered. Some of the best shit ever posted here.

Rod, forward me a P.O. Box and I'll send you something that will help effortlessly gain the lurid attentions of the fairer sex--just like Denny does.

Flattered and Satiated,
Denny DelVecchio

11 comments:

Dr. Cynicism said...

Congratulations Rod! Denny's gonna be rolling in even more strange than he currently does.

Love in the Dumps said...

Wow - Ron came out of retirement without missing a beat. I LOLed in my pants at least 3 times - he channeled Denny in a way that leaves me awestruck. BRAVO. (PS I'm very very close to posting that on my dating profile. Denny, you should license it.)

Love in the Dumps said...

PS this site is singlehandedly upping the google ranking for search terms 'matt brand' - nice. The goal is to pull far ahead of The Spontaneous Writings of Matt Brand - http://swomb.blogspot.com/

Denny DelVecchio said...

That's Rod not Ron, Dumps. But probably close enough.

justaskrod said...

I'm humbled, Senor DelVecchio. I'm a giver. It's what I do.

Denny DelVecchio said...

I fear I've broken a heart or two with my selection.

It's almost always hos before bros with me, but not this time.

mattposky said...

Great work, great choice, great news!

singlegirlie said...

I have to say I concur with your choice, Denny. It's obvious why the tranny hygienist was drawn to it - it fully captured the essence of pure Denny. Bravo, Rod!

On a separate note, just what the frig is going on? First Susi Spice, then Vodka, and now KAP? Is this some weird M. Night Shyamalan movie by which bloggers disappear overnight with no warning?

Help.

womenarefrommars said...

Now I want Denny even more than before. *sigh*

bschooled said...

Coongrats, Rod! Your ad makes me wish I´d taken those free prostate massage classes when I was in Honduras...

Blunt Delivery said...

this is B.S.