Monday, January 17, 2011

Advance #66: A Chance For You To "Give Back" By Writing Denny A Sweet, Tender Personal Ad

I know
For too many DelVecchians, it's been all "Me, Me, Me" lately as we become humiliatingly self-absorbent in our "I may not be Denny but I still think I'm awesome" lives. We forget sometimes that this is really still all about Denny.

Well, that said, Denny Dance is offering a unique opportunity to make you feel as good about yourself as you did the morning Dylan Vanderwessens awkwardly gobbled up your virginity in a darkened band room after 3rd period Calculus late in your senior year--just as his father had with your mother 23 years earlier.

I want you to write me a personal ad to end all other personal ads. Literally. I want all other men to see mine and give up.

Why, Denny?, you ask.

Perhaps I've grown weary of fecklessly sleeping my way through Kenosha County's modest reserves of sexable females.

Maybe I'm tired of waking up next to three or four different women each morn, especially when roughly half of them are on the run from a local prison/group home.

Perchance I've had enough of casting my magical, viscous seed into the Southern Wisconsin wind. Especially with the wind chills as they are.

Or it could simply be that I can no longer chance that I'll be juggling vagina-support vessels from two different generations of the same family.

Said another way--Denny wants to settle down with the Wisconsinite of his Dreams, and is relying on you to make it happen. You're the pimp that's going to score me my hooker, but instead of a hooker she's going to be a non-hooker.

So, in the comment space provided below, write your holy one a personal advertisement befitting his out of this world looks and sky-high lovemaking standards. Or simply send it to rockmetonite72@gmail.com.

The winner will win a real prize, but I don't want to commit to anything of value until I confirm that I'm not losing my job for offering free bikini waxing in the womens' bathroom last week (with nary a drop of wax in sight).

Most Thankful,
Denny DelVecchio

19 comments:

Bearman said...

Free Mullet Rides.

Love in the Dumps said...

Name: Denny Deuce
Sex: yes
Height: 6 ft
Real Height: 5'4 3/4
Body type: ripped
Real body type: tire tummy
Masturbation Frequency: once at work, once before bed
Bad habits: butt itching, cigarillos, Monster energy drink mixed with Jamison
Periodicals: Butt, The Economist
Favorite music: Hawaiian music, Englebert Humperdink
Favorite food: nothing beats a good burrito
What we would do on a date: (denny you fill this out)

your next conquest said...

Know this and you will know it for sure. I'm a provider, a provider of all your needs. You want some baby love? I got you. Want to rock with me, baby? I'll rock with you.

Denny's got what you need, he's got it right here, got it for you. What you need is my desire, you remember that.

I'm as big as you want me, as tall as you need, and I'm as strong as you desire me to be, because Denny is here for you, pretty lady*

*all women are beautiful in Denny's eyes - don't be shy.

David said...

If you know
your shit from your Shinola
then you will go
with the Kid from Kenosha, shucks
he's watchin his dollars and his pennies
they coulda named
the restaurant after him
but no, they called it Denny's, SCHMUCKS!

Like, Whatever!
Anyways. Give him a call
cuz you'll never, NEVER
have another chance
to get into this winner's PANTS!

Denny DelVecchio said...

Not a bad start, DelVecchians!

nursemyra said...

How do you wax with your teeth Denny?

singlegirlie said...

Yo, bitches. I've been with the hot piece of ass, singlegirlie. That should be enuf to make you swarm around like flies on shit coz I know y'all wanna live in her shadow.

But if ya want more, I drive a motorcycle. Here is a picture of it:

http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://estrip.org/content/users/ladycroft/0108/Oiq100122.jpg&imgrefurl=http://estrip.org/articles/read/ladycroft/42985/only-in-qatar!.html&usg=__xMkFGQ8V_JOeXC1oyaMSWyV4YSQ=&h=300&w=400&sz=26&hl=en&start=12&zoom=1&tbnid=Pv2aLs0z6MWAJM:&tbnh=123&tbnw=168&ei=65Q2TablConVgAek-an2Aw&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dcrotch%2Brocket%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26biw%3D1280%26bih%3D559%26tbs%3Disch:10%2C645&um=1&itbs=1&iact=hc&vpx=982&vpy=177&dur=192&hovh=194&hovw=259&tx=172&ty=89&oei=5pQ2TdelIIKClAfIyNHcAg&esq=2&page=2&ndsp=19&ved=1t:429,r:18,s:12&biw=1280&bih=559

So cum take a ride on my crotch rocket, or just my crotch.

Also, I have a sensitive side, and here is a picture of a dog to prove it:

http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.harlemfur.com/images/Dog_Olive.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.harlemfur.com/dogs/&h=530&w=600&sz=137&tbnid=ENH8mUtG9B1SEM:&tbnh=119&tbnw=135&prev=/images%3Fq%3Ddog%2Bpicture&zoom=1&q=dog+picture&hl=en&usg=__quqg8itCjtZlqmvS0mLlOln4TpU=&sa=X&ei=qJU2Taa6I4a-sQO-vPDJAQ&ved=0CCYQ9QEwAw

No fat chicks.

Okay, fat chicks.

Responses without beaver shots will not be considered.

bschooled said...

I`m on it, D-enigma. Anyone who wears the shit out of their jeans like you do deserves only the creme de la creme of lonely Wisconinites.

Just give me a day, I need to pull out the big guns. Literally. (I just met a local named Paco who said he`d let me use his high-speed internet in exchange for a peep show.)

Love in the Dumps said...

AHHAH Single Girlie wins

bschooled said...

Name: Denny DelVecchio

Turn ons: an open mind, a pulse, an open mind

Turn offs: N/A

About Me: I am a thoughtful guy who’s looking for a woman to help me weather the storms of life with understanding and support. My worst quality would be that I care too much.

Just kidding.

But seriously, though, I'm a man who takes pride in my appearance. My clothes are like fashion viagra, my hair an orgasmic cascade of “Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific”-infused tresses. I’m looking for a woman who will let me feel her urinary tract from the inside. I am extremely well hung--hence the nickname ‘Tripod’--and can personally guarantee that the moment we share our first kiss I’ll make myself totally wet.

I crave spontaneity. Sometimes I’ll come over to your place to shag, other times we’ll just neck in the backseat of my Gremlin. Sometimes I’ll splurge on a few hours at the Howard Johnson, just to kick things up a notch.

I'm open to any race and stereotype, but gender is non-negotiable (unless you feel in your heart that you were born the wrong gender). I prefer clean chicks but I'm up if you're down.

If this sounds like your gig, then ride that email horse and come find your D-spot.

Karaoke Activity Partner said...

Does the thought of melted ear wax turn you on? How about picking week old pork chop pieces out of a moustache? Like bow ties? The thought of doin' it in the back of a Chevy Nova '77 get you excited baby? Then page me, Denny, at 800-RUG-BURN. (.99 cents the first minute, $4.99 after the first inital minute)

justaskrod said...

Senor DelVecchio, In order to get the right flavor for this task I had to delve into your archives to capture what I believe to be your true spirit. Now I need a tetnus booster.

Yo girls, what’s good? Prepare yourselves for the inspiration of perspiration. Denny’s ready to commit. For one or, more realistically, several lucky lady(ies) I am prepared to bestow upon you all that is me and make your world shine like the 1 and a half carot cubic zirconia you so richly deserve.
I’m a modest man of intrigue, blessed with a vibrant mane in which to entwine your fingers and a robust stache that screams, Ride Me. While I hate to put limits on my love I must insist you possess the following qualities.
1. You are possessed with stunning ovaries, milky thighs, angel eyes and a body made taut from years of Jazzercize.
2. You have a healthy love and adoration of Whitesnake. (No exceptions)
3. You are practiced in the art of Honduran Prostate Massage. ( I can talk you through it)
4. The heady scent of Aqua Velva and the sight of a man in Bugle Boys makes your front naughty moist.
5. You don’t mind going half on a pack of Kools.
If you think you measure up, hit my pager. I’ll pick you up in my whip and we’ll drink a bottle of Goldschlager behind the burned out Shoney’s and I’ll thoroughly service your saucebox with my porksword. In the morning I’ll crap you a Promise Ring to make our union official.
No, that isn’t a sock in my pants and yes, I am happy to see you.

womenarefrommars said...

Oh Denny. I've been contemplating this very difficult task for days. How to sum you up in a way that befits such a fine man-specimen? I would think about your long, flowing locks and you Ride Me 'stash... and next thing you know, I'd be lost in my daydream because you're my sweet sweet fantasy baby.

(Yes that was a Mariah Carey reference. Thank you for noticing. I like to keep it real - she writes her own lyrics you know).

And then it hit me. I can't sum you up in one personal ad. I'm sorry. I know I failed. But - then I (also) realized: I don't want to share you, Denny. I'm usually good at sharing, and I know there's enough of you to go around but... is it so bad that this Whitesnake-lovin' babe in whitewashed jeans wants you all to herself?

Blunt Delivery said...

Attention lucky ladies of wisconsin: do you find yourself frustrated everytime you hear "It's Raining Men" come on the radio, because clearly, it's a lie, and there isn't a good man in sight? Are you sick of going home, night after night, to a cold, empty bed full of cheesecake crumbs and PBR cans? Well, tuck away that sad face Macaulay McSulky, we've got the man you've been waiting for. And when we say man, we mean it, because we are only featuring one personal ad today.

What's burnin' ladies? Hopefully your desire to meet me and not something in your pants from that one night stand last weekend. Anyho, I'm a single, whitish male with Justin Beiber's bangs and Tim Allen's abs, looking for my sweet, angel-faced baby mama(babies = prexisting). Hoping to find someone with similar goals in life: dropping it like it's hot, partying like it's 1999 and long walks on the beach after doing it doggy style in the sand.

*strong moral compass = deduct 3 points

*on the pill = additional 10 points

The name is Denny, but you can call me the best thing that's ever happened.

Operators are standing by.

Denny DelVecchio said...

This is going to be a difficult decision. If only it could be settled with a pillow fight.

Karaoke Activity Partner said...

First, I want my two paragraphs.

Second, Rod can't enter 3x. It's against the rules.

Third, I win: Just post a link to this.... http://www.huffingtonpost.com/alida-nugent/10-incredibly-creepy-song_b_810825.html#s226089&title=All_My_Life

Denny DelVecchio said...

@KAP: I'll take point #3 under advisement. Point #2 is correct. Point #1 is in the pipeline.

Denny DelVecchio said...

WINNER ANNOUNCED MONDAY NIGHT!

Dr. Cynicism said...

Wait! I'm throwing my hat in the ring - inevitably to lose, but at least I'll lose to several hotties.

I made two:

(1) This belt has room for one more notch - whadduya say?

(2) Hi ladies. Let's look at this from a purely statistical and logical perspective - a few perspectives that Denny can take or not take depending on the mood, your drug tolerance, and time of day. Anyhow, mathematically, it's only a matter of time before all women succumb to the incapacitating advances of Denny. If you're a lady that loves the anticipation, the build-up, the not-knowing-when, then we can carry on with this little charade as long as you want. But, if you're more into living life for the present, living in the NOW, carpe diem... then take this number from the ticket machine. My people will be in touch with further instructions.