Well, that said, Denny Dance is offering a unique opportunity to make you feel as good about yourself as you did the morning Dylan Vanderwessens awkwardly gobbled up your virginity in a darkened band room after 3rd period Calculus late in your senior year--just as his father had with your mother 23 years earlier.
I want you to write me a personal ad to end all other personal ads. Literally. I want all other men to see mine and give up.
Why, Denny?, you ask.
Perhaps I've grown weary of fecklessly sleeping my way through Kenosha County's modest reserves of sexable females.
Maybe I'm tired of waking up next to three or four different women each morn, especially when roughly half of them are on the run from a local prison/group home.
Perchance I've had enough of casting my magical, viscous seed into the Southern Wisconsin wind. Especially with the wind chills as they are.
Or it could simply be that I can no longer chance that I'll be juggling vagina-support vessels from two different generations of the same family.
Said another way--Denny wants to settle down with the Wisconsinite of his Dreams, and is relying on you to make it happen. You're the pimp that's going to score me my hooker, but instead of a hooker she's going to be a non-hooker.
So, in the comment space provided below, write your holy one a personal advertisement befitting his out of this world looks and sky-high lovemaking standards. Or simply send it to firstname.lastname@example.org.
The winner will win a real prize, but I don't want to commit to anything of value until I confirm that I'm not losing my job for offering free bikini waxing in the womens' bathroom last week (with nary a drop of wax in sight).