Tuesday, November 16, 2010

From The Bag Of Tricks: My Favorite Fan (Advance #30)


Surely you must know by now that you're my favorite fan.

Don't be coy--embrace it.

You have the body of a young, female Eric Nies, and a beguiling way that hasn't been seen since Drew Barrymore led our hearts and libidos astray back in 1992.

And you understand me.  I won't soon forget that. Some wouldn't make much of your two visits to this site totaling 7 minutes over a four week period, but to me you're a shimmering angel of light.

Your lover said they'd leave if you didn't stop worshiping prostrate at my feet.  You swung open the door for them to exit your life forever. That's Denny's brave girl.

Your parents told you that you were no child of theirs. You smiled and cheerfully revealed to Grant and Renee that Your New Bad Habit was nothing compared to how you had made Def Leppardian love to Shaun DiLoretto three times in 37 minutes last year--in their marital bed.  You left them, mouths agape, and moved into the efficiency apartment of your dreams.

The South Dakota State University women's hockey team abandoned you. Did my special princess frown? Not that little fighter. She drove her Zamboni of Pride away from the rink without looking back. And her old squad lost the next night to Mankato State 12-2. In your face, ice harpies!

I will never forget you, favorite fan. A Your New Bad Habit hoodie (see above) and Season 1 of The Ropers on DVD have already been dispatched.

Yours In Love,
Denny DelVecchio

17 comments:

Karaoke Activity Partner said...

WTF Denny - I just aborted your child in my toilet because I was so emotional (like Whitney Houston) that you were on hiatus, and now you're back to your old tricks? The book was right, you are just not that into me....

You better cut this shit out - playing games with our hearts and love canals. Give it to us, give it to us hard and deep Denny - all of us, at the same time.... But, I guess a random booty call message like this is okay too.

Denny DelVecchio said...

It's a re-run, love. A good one, though.

vodka and ground beef said...

Karaoke Activ - Hi-larious!!!!!!!

Den Den - I kept your baby.

J-Bird said...

Karaoke AP - Simma don naw! You'll have another baby.

Denny. Baby. Why am I the only one not pregnant? I visit like I'm supposed to, don't I?

bschooled said...

Er, I kept the condom?

(I even named it after you.)

frigginloon said...

OK, I thought you were talking about me until I clicked Eric. Dear god, the only six pack I have is on my cellulite.

Denny DelVecchio said...

@Vodka: You said you couldn't get pregnant if we were standing.

@J: Denny can take care of that problem anytime, love.

@B: Post photos, please.

@Loon: Denny lost his virginity to The Grind.

Wait, that doesn't work out year wise, does it?

I'm keeping it up, anyway.

Karaoke Activity Partner said...

The Grind... whoa, can you feel it baby, I can too... whoa.... Oh wait - that's Marky Mark.

singlegirlie said...

The hoodie's alright, but can I get it in a thong? And as an iron-on?

Denny DelVecchio said...

@KAP: No, you can feel it.

@Single: Yes on the thong. I'll still be wearing it, however.

Karaoke Activity Partner said...

No, you can feel it, and I agree with Girlie - I'd take a thong if I wore underwear.

Dr. Cynicism said...

For real Denny, this is an emotional roller coaster - with cool shirts.

bluntdelivery said...

this is bullshit.

so i almost have cancer and i get bumped from your favorite fan?

offended,

Blunt

Karaoke Activity Partner said...

All month long, I've been having this nightmare without Denny in my life. Let me try to explain:


The beginning is really the end. Ok, so I wake up in the morning, and I pop some pills while it's raining outside. On my nightstand there is a statute of the Virgin Mary. I play piano at Carnegie Hall looking place and in abandoned church. I toss and turn, and I see a woman - who looks like Lita Ford - playing the flute.

Cut to me watching Denny strut down the aisle. My bangs look good. The afterhours party is held at the Rainbow. I see the concert, a wedding, the dude whose wife is on Married to Rock ends up having the ring. Denny and I kiss -did I mention my bangs look good?

I see the abandoned church again - in the middle of the desert. There's guitar playing. More guitar playing. God damnit, when is this guitar playing going to end? Whoa - there's the church again. More guitar.

Paparazzi are waiting for us outside the church. God, Denny looks great as he gives a look of disgust when he gets in the limo sitting next to my bangs.

More guitar.

I'm walking past a gun store - it's dark. I'm back at the concert. I'm at the reception, we have a 1987 7-layer fountain cake. Denny's smoking again. David Sanborn is playing saxophone - I think, how did he get on the guest list?

Oh fuck - look! The kids see rain. Rain. The party is ruined. Everyone is freaking out.

Guitar playing on the piano. Somehow Denny died at the ruined party, lung cancer I assume. My bangs look damn good at the funeral though. Concert, concert, concert. More guitar.

Mobster funeral procession > concert > guitar playing. Look, it's gonna rain again. Yup, here's the rain. Concert > rain > funeral > whoa there I'm in bed again tossing and turning. Denny just threw the bouquet on to his grave, bleeding flowers.

God, my bangs look good.

Denny DelVecchio said...

@Doc Sin: I could send the DelVecchio banana hammock. Hit me up.

@Blunty: You'll need to try harder next time.

@KAP: Fully erect right now. I suppose I should read your comment, which will bypass Are You There God It's Me Margaret as the longest book that Denny has ever read.

Later: I read. And I wept. I have an idea about pitching the idea for the new Enrique Iglesias jam, but I can't imagine a video director actually going for something so brazenly self-indulgent. Wait, can the guitarist get on the piano for a solo?

Karaoke Activity Partner said...

If you read my beautiful synopsis of November Rain - mean my dream - you see guitar playing on the piano right before you die. I'm Axl and you're Stephanie Seymor. VGB is Slash. Don't forget to call her.

Denny DelVecchio said...

I have the reading comprehension of circus chimpanzee.

Yes, like the one that you said aroused you at the Central Park Zoo back in August.