Advance #32: I Finally Made My Katy Perry Move

Behold the actual transcript of my booty texts to one Katy Some Middle Name Perry last evening starting at 1:57 am Pacific Time (much love to the esteemed Hollywood valet and former classmate Sammy "Slim Bone" Delfino for the digits):

DD: holla
KP: who dis?

DD: denny motherfunkin dance, baby. and i want to rock that body rite
KP: ?????? u frndz w russ?

DD: Not since I saw him with that Venezuelan meat-hustler in West Hollywood last week.  russell brand who?
KP: OMFG. how u get this #?

DD: better gt him 2 the greek (doctor who has strong antibiotics)
KP: WTF?

DD: OMG....the text is coming from inside the house
KP: SICK FK. I WL KICK UR AZZ.

DD: can i have some cherry Chapstick first?
KP: LMFAO. this iz luke isn't it?  had me goin u euro-bitch boy.

DD: k, time to get real.  no more frontin'. it's denny delvecchio of Your New Bad Habit. I heard you liked my flow.

DD: katy?

DD: miss perry?

DD: your new song with the D-OH Double G is fly.

DD: boxers.

DD: wld u mind replying soon, because my txts are 10 cents each. tnx.

DD: yo momma's so fat she's on both sides of yr family

DD: k...didn't mean that last 1. srry.  uncalled 4.

DD: i'm just a boy standing in front of a girl asking her to love him 

DD: the human body hz 212 bones. u wnt to make it 213? 

DD: srry...that wuz a crazy idea.

DD: the boy standing in front of a girl 1 not the extra bone 1

DD: u have an okcupid.com profile?

DD: i'm ebonyprince77

DD: j/k. i've nvr heard of okcupid.com

DD: k...can we start over?

[end of transcript]

Her Move Now,
Denny DelVecchio

Take the Wheel, God (And Apologize to BP)

Eds. Note: This is the sixth installment of our ongoing series of guest appearances by cultural heavyweights.


                                         MEMORANDUM

FROM: GOD, KING OF THE UNIVERSE AND ALL THINGS HOLY AND JUST

TO: TONY HAYWARD, CEO BP, PLC

DATE: MAY 16, 2010 A.D.

RE: MY GULF OF MEXICO
____________________________________________________________

Oh, hello there, Tony. God here.

Sorry to trouble your waters on what must be another excruciating day of watching 200,000 more gallons of your precious liquid gold politely tip-toe into my Gulf of Mexico.

I am empathetic to your plight, old chap, as I have also seen my share of disasters from time to time, such as the Black Plague of 1348 and the Trail Blazers drafting Sam Bowie over Michael Jordan in 1984. In the parlance of today's youth, I feel you, homeboy.

So, despite your recent trying moments, I hope that you will embrace and accept my sincere and heartfelt apologies. Rest your weary head, child. You've earned it.

My vast, bio-rich coastal waters have been an economic and public relations minefield for your feral, hopelessly spewing petroleum for some time now, and by all accounts this is causing you headache after headache and much unwanted--and undeserved--guilt. A loving God simply cannot let that happen.

Without the deaths of millions of sea creatures and the potential collapse of a spate of vital coastal industries hanging over you, you'd be better able to collect your thoughts and (1) move toward some heady solutions regarding BP's hemorrhaging stock price and/or (2) more efficiently be able to shift responsibility for this disaster to a third party.

I can ask for forgiveness in 1,922 dialects, but I'll focus on your native tongue for now: I'm so very, very sorry, Tony.  You have my word that I will do everything in my ample power to hide the apocalyptic ecological and economic after-effects of your spill from the masses so that you and your lovely family may have some peace of mind (and one hell of a "Christmas 2010" in the Swiss Alps).  It's the only right thing to do.

Of course, you realize that my doing so will invalidate all contracts that you may currently have with my chief rival.  But then you already know that.

"Me"speed,
God

Regress #17: Fancy Dan

Hollywood's Jude Law is a smug prick.

Humbly,
Denny DelVecchio

Fashionista DelVecchio

Stay tuned for the 2010 Your New Bad Habit Fashion Spring-Tacular!, soon set to illuminate personal and work computers all across the free world.

"What's in it for me," you ask?

Try these on for size:

Crotchless: The Season's New Black?

Military-Inspired Unmentionables Are Going to Draft Your Tits!

Shorts at the Office: Are You Fucking Kidding Me?

New Fashion Frontiers for Hipsters, Starring Soap, Water and Human Dignity

Kate Spade: Okay For Your Trailer Slut Sister, Too? 
  
Channel Your Inner Gaga With Svelte, Package-Reducing Cuts

And so much more!

Haute,
Denny DelVecchio