Besides rewarding me with carnal knowledge of scores of blowzy night-wenches, these lusty evenings have also bestowed upon me deep scholarly insight into the trenchant ways of our nation's youth.
Should I keep these all for myself? Probably. But I feel a deep obligation to bestow it upon you on the off chance that you leave your parents' side one of these fine Saturday nights to waddle awkwardly into your neighborhood trattoria in a leaden quest for some form of human companionship to healthily supplant your 11 World of Warcraft Chatrooms and 2006 Lands End Swimsuit Issue.
So here is some of the verbal intercourse that I've overheard at various Phoenix Metroplex hotspots over the last few weeks. Use
1. "I realize that it may seem a touch unusual to have a Siamese twin who isn't actually, you know, attached, but fortunately he's a maestro with the video camera. Now let's go make that piquant little indie documentary I told you about...and maybe a little bit of history, too."
2. "I'd like you to come over to see my pet horse. He's hung like a Ryan." (Editor's note: I think the guy's name was "Ryan.")
3. "Look, I'm Jeremy Motherfucking Renner. The star of The Hurt Locker. You know... mines? Oscars? Chick director? "
"Never heard of it."
"Okay, you want the truth? Fine. I can do that. I was Asshole Skier #2 in Hot Tub Time Machine. There. I said it."
"My apartment is three blocks away. Let's get the hell out of here."
4. "I want you in the bathtub right next to mine."
5. "I'm totally in on the afterparty at Sal's, but I have to text my babysitter to let her know I'm leaving. I think I saw her over by the bar doing shots a few minutes ago."
6. "Have you ever seen a cataract this ulcerated?"